Ready to Run Away? Maybe It's TIme to Regroup

Dear Philip,

I am 26 and work for an insurance company.  I hate my job.  It was the only decent one I could get after college, so I took it, and now I’m scared I will be working here forever.

A friend told me that I should figure out what I really want to do while I’m still young, and pursue it.  I was an actress in college, and have always dreamed of being on television.  Though it would be hard financially at first and it would mean breaking up with a man I’ve been dating for almost a year, I want to move to California and give it a real try.  Is that insane?

Ready to Take a Chance

Dear Ready,

You know that old expression about running away and joining the circus?  (Wait, how could you? Twenty-six-year-olds don’t know most old expressions.  Or that a sitcom set in an army medical unit during the Korean conflict was the best show on television, ever.)

Anyway, running away and joining the circus might not seem relevant in practice – I can’t recall the last time I’ve heard about a travelling three-ring extravaganza – but as a concept it’s pretty ageless.  And it’s also well constructed: notice how the ‘running away’ part comes first?

That’s what you’re really asking, Ready: Should I run away?

It’s a satisfying fantasy.  Your job stinks, you’re unhappy in general, maybe your relationship isn’t what you’d hoped for.  Time to wipe the slate clean, ’cause everything will be better 3,000 miles away.  How can a fresh start not be?

Well, here’s how.  First, there are pesky practical matters.  Like income, while you wait to be cast in the next big, buzzy show on AMC.  And the fact that you won’t actually be cast in that show until or unless you’ve spent years doing incredibly hard work for no pay.  Also?  The fact that there are countless people with the exact same dream, so your odds – even if you do manage to pay your dues while working the graveyard shift at Denny’s – are incredibly slim.

Which is romantic…and completely insane.

But we’re not really talking about your life-long dream of being on the small screen, are we, Ready?  We’re talking about running away.  Which means we’re talking about your unhappiness.

Let’s start with your job.  You took something right out of college because you felt you needed to, and now it terrifies you that you’ll be stuck doing the same thing for the rest of your working years.  That’s a completely legitimate fear.  So regroup.  Put your resume together, and in the process of doing so, discover what your qualifications and strengths are.  Find a mentor or career coach and share what you’ve learned about yourself.  They’ll be able to suggest other industries to explore, or other jobs within the one you’re in now that might be more interesting to you.  Maybe look for part-time classes that can help train you for new areas.

But don’t quit.  Don’t.  Do all of the above while you’re still drawing a paycheck from the insurance company.  It’s easier to get a job from a job.  Though it’s often unfair, a current stretch of unemployment on a resume can raise red flags with potential employers. You’ll also make better choices about the future if you’re not flat broke in the present.

Now, take a look at the rest of your life.  If you’re so willing to ditch the boyfriend for the Hollywood hills, is it just maybe possible that you want to run away from him, too?  You don’t have to: “I just don’t see this going anywhere” works just as well as a transcontinental bus ticket.

Find the things about your life that you do like, and concentrate on them.  That’ll help you to get through changing the stuff that’s making you unhappy, and it’ll help you to stop fantasizing about the life you’re missing out west.  Because at this very moment, Ready, there are about a million struggling actors in Hollywood who think that a steady job back east sounds pretty swell.

Eagerly awaiting your community theater debut,

Philip

A Friend in Need...is Just What Her Hubby Dreads

Dear Philip,

My husband can’t stand my friend Cathy.  It’s starting to become a real problem, because she’s going through a very tough time and has been coming over a lot.  Yes, she can be needy, and also sometimes dramatic, but I don’t understand why he can’t just try to feel some sympathy for her.

When Cathy went through a divorce a few years ago, he was very kind to her and helped her sort out her finances.  He didn’t complain then, and he knew I appreciated the help he gave her.  What I don’t understand is why she is suddenly bothering him so much.  He insists that she’s “crazy” and complains that we’re too involved in her life. 

How do I explain to him that he’s being unfair, and that she needs us?

Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught,

You explain that stuff the same way you explain anything to a husband: by speaking slowly and using small words.

(The preceding joke was written so that I could pretend to be on your side for, oh, at least a sentence.  Pretending now officially over.)

I’ll give you this, Caught: I believe that you believe that your friend Cathy isn’t a huge pain in the butt.  Further, I believe that you think you’re doing her some good by letting her come over a lot, where she can be dramatic and needy in your presence, and drive your husband…well, that same word he used to describe her.  I also believe that you are wrong on both counts.

Before we talk about that, though, allow me to speak briefly on behalf of all husbands: When we choose to be nice to a particular friend of yours, we do not automatically sign a document waiving our right to eventually find that friend annoying, or worse.  Further, we do not appreciate having our past kindness used as a cudgel to beat us into submission when and if we change our mind about that friend down the road.  It isn’t fair, and it might start to feel like good incentive to withhold our support from the next friend of yours that goes through a hard time.

That said, let’s move on to you and Cathy.  I want you to reread the letter you sent me, and notice a few word choices.  First, you yourself use the words “dramatic” and “needy” to describe your friend.  Both suggest a history: she’s used to asking a lot of you, and she overstates stuff…like her emotions and her situation.  Now that your husband has had to deal with her for a while – you mention her divorce and her current “tough time” – I suspect he sees her coming and thinks, “Oh no: what now?”  Try to see that his compassion for her has turned to dread.

Second, notice that you ended your letter with the plural: you didn’t write, “she needs me,” you wrote, “she needs us.”  In your head, your husband is as responsible for her as you feel you are.  He isn’t.  In fact, like all other adults, he’s allowed to choose who he’ll extend help to, who he’ll feel sympathy for, and who he’ll spend time with.  Clearly, Cathy isn’t on his list.  And considering how you yourself describe her, can you blame him, entirely?

I probably can’t convince you that your friend Cathy is likely using you, though I suspect you’ll come to that yourself, in time.  What I can do, instead, is to gently suggest that you respect your husband’s feelings.

Instead of trying to convince him of all the reasons you think he should put his dread and annoyance aside, tell your husband that you can see how he feels, and that you’ll conduct your relationship with Cathy on your own time.  Next time she asks to come by when your husband is home, tell her it isn’t convenient, and suggest a time when it will be.

Then don’t be surprised when – out of resentment that you’re not available to her 24/7 – Cathy finds someone else and stops parading her problems in front of you.  And your very relieved husband.

Yours in marital accord,

Philip

The Past-Due Present, and the Texting Teen

Dear Philip,

My friend from college recently made a snide remark about the fact that I never sent her a wedding present, even though the wedding was almost ten years ago, when I had just started working and didn’t have any money.  I know I should have made some token effort, but I was seriously broke at the time, and already had to pay for the bridesmaid’s dress.

I can’t believe she has been harboring this for so long, and can’t just be direct about it.  Should I say something to her, or let her comment drop?

Moved On, Already

Dear Moved,

Don’t say a word.  Send her a present, already.  Seriously.

Let me see if I get this straight. You’re asking whether or not you should confront her for reminding you of a pretty serious lapse in manners?  I’ll grant you that snide comments are not the best form of communication, but they’re often a very telling form, and rather than be insulted you might want to pay attention to the message: she expected better from someone with whom she felt close enough to include in her wedding party.  Even after a decade, she remembers the upset.

So fix it.  Pick out something thoughtful, and send it with a direct and apologetic note.  Try, “I should have sent this years ago.  You had such a lovely wedding, and I was so honored to be a part of it.”  Don’t make mention of the comment that led you to finally send a gift, and certainly don’t berate her for it or try a snide retort of your own.  Simply acknowledge the belatedness of the gift.  Practice humility.

It’s amazing how liberating it can be to say, without defensiveness or resentment, ‘I was wrong and I apologize.’  Your friend will be touched, and maybe a little embarrassed.  Don’t let her be: if she tries to tell you that her comment wasn’t meant to result in a gift, let her off the hook.  Tell her that you’d always felt funny that you hadn’t sent a present when you finally had the means.

Miss Manners will tell you it’s proper to send a wedding present within a year, but I say there’s no statute of limitation on a heartfelt, giftwrapped apology.

Oh, and picture frames are always nice,

Philip

Dear Philip,

Help!  My daughter texts at dinner, whether we’re at home or out.  She texts when I’m driving her somewhere.  She texts when she’s hanging out with her friends.  I had to ask her to turn her phone off at the movies, last week. 

Even though she says she can’t understand how I’m distracted by her (silently) typing to others, it bugs me to no end.  Should I just accept this because it’s what everyone seems to do, now?

Disconnected

Dear Disconnected,

Forgive me, did you say something?  I was too busy LOLing to pay attention.  Or was that ROFLing?  IDK, TTYL.

See how incredibly dated I seem, making those jokes?  That’s because I’m an adult, Dis. Spending large amounts of time thumb-typing silly acronyms about absolutely nothing of importance is for kids, not their parents.

And you’re a parent, right?  You did refer to the subject of your letter as your daughter, so I’m assuming you take some responsibility for raising her.  Here’s a great place to start: ‘Put the phone away.’  Use that phrase often, and don’t precede it with ‘Please.’

Just because we didn’t grow up with the technology doesn’t mean we can’t recognize rude: holding an electronic conversation with someone else while at the dinner table – or worse, at a restaurant – is no more acceptable than talking on the phone in those situations…so why do you accept it?  Set boundaries; teach manners.  Declare your table a phone and text-free zone, and maybe your car, too.

And definitely the movie theater…because if her local advice columnist has to put up with one more bright, tiny screen in front of him during a flick, she might find out how badly cell phones do when dunked in 64-ounce Diet Cokes.

L8R,

Philip

The Dithering Boyfriend, and the Not-So-Happy Hour

Dear Mr. Van Munching,

I am going to be a senior in high school next month.  My boyfriend told me that he is not sure if he wants to date me anymore. He hasn’t officially broken up with me and says he wants to think about it for awhile.

He says that he’s sorry that I’m so upset, but he doesn’t know if it’s a good idea to be with someone when we’re just going to have to break up when we go to college.  Do you think he’s right, or is it stupid to break up now?

Waiting

Dear Waiting,

Your boyfriend is absolutely, positively right to be so cautious: why date someone when you might have to break up for college?  And then why have a relationship when you’re actually in college, and you might end up in different cities after?  Come to think of it, it’s also not smart to be with anyone during the first year or two of your career, because people transfer.

Tell him from me that it’s just not safe to date until you’re in your late 20s.  Or you have a mortgage.  That’s a good sign you’re staying put.  Probably.

Sarcasm aside, the answer to your question is still no, it’s not stupid to break up now.  That’s now, as in don’t wait for him to decide your fate: leave the boy at the curb, and drive on.

My question, Waiting, is why would you want to be with someone who’s so indecisive about being with you?  I’ll paraphrase the goofy quote someone posted on Facebook recently: ‘If you want to leave me, I won’t block the door…I’ll hold it open for you.’  (It was funnier with a strategic curse word.  Everyone but my editor thought so.)

At best, your boyfriend is taking you for granted.  He’s sure you’ll wait around while he decides if your relationship is worth continuing.  He’s also shown that he’s not serious enough about dating you to risk anything, which is really wimpy considering the worst thing that could happen is that you break up…just like tens of thousands of other college-bound people do every fall.

Of course, not everyone in your shoes breaks up when high school ends.  Some couples last for a while into college.  Some longer.  Some end up together for life, and though they may pretend to be annoyed by the moniker, secretly love it when they hear people describe them as “high school sweethearts.”

You know what the vast majority of the people in those sturdy relationships have in common, Waiting?  They work hard at them.  They treat each other with respect.  They may even have broken up and gotten back together somewhere along the line, but they sure don’t whine about ‘not being certain’ they want to be with their mate.

So don’t wait around while your boyfriend decides your fate.  Cut him loose.  Breaking up doesn’t mean that you’ll never work it out and maybe date him again.  It just means that if you do, it’ll be on equal footing.  In the meantime, find someone who isn’t wishy-washy about you. 

A girl with the manners to address her local advice columnist as “Mr.” deserves nothing less.

Mr. VM

Dear Philip:

My coworkers often have “happy hour” in the office.  I am sober and do not drink.  They never think to buy non-alcoholic beverages for me.  They know I don’t drink – it’s a small office.  Should I say something, or just deal?

Fed Up.

Dear Fed:

You know why your coworkers drink?  To numb themselves from the sting of their own selfishness.  (Heh heh.)

Of course you should say something.  Try some version of the following to the person tasked with buying supplies for the next office shindig:  “I'd love it if you brought back a Diet Coke/Ginger Ale/(whatever you drink), along with the stuff you're getting for happy hour.”  That’s a perfectly reasonable request…and if the person responds in any way that isn't “No problem!,” explain calmly that you feel left out.  

Raising my soda in solidarity,

Philip

Our Grandson, the Pawn

Dear Philip,

My daughter-in-law is not letting us see our first grandchild more than once in a great while.  She and my son live just a town away, and her parents get to see and babysit the boy quite often.  She was wonderful to us when she and our son were dating and first married, but has become very cold and demanding since her son was born.

My husband and I tiptoe around her in the hope that she’ll bring him over more often and possibly let us spend a day with him, but so far his visits are short and she makes a point of never letting him out of her arms for long.  She makes it clear that we need to dance to her tune in order to see him at all.  We’re devastated that we will be near-strangers to him.  Our son makes excuses for her, and we’re afraid if we push him, she’ll have an excuse to never let us see their baby.  What can we do?

Crushed and Confused

Dear Crushed,

Babies can be so difficult…especially when they have children.

And that’s the last even minor attempt at humor I’ll make in answering you, because your letter is heartbreaking.  (And much longer: I’ve edited for space, and so that this column’s readers won’t take up pitchforks and demand your daughter-in-law’s address.)  You and your husband don’t deserve this treatment.  Nobody does.

In reading your full story, it’s clear that your son’s wife has a personality that’s equal parts entitlement and resentment; she, like most narcissists, is also deeply insecure.  She’s also angry.  That personality is a minefield, which – if it isn’t already – will soon become perilous ground for your son, and eventually for your grandson.  Kids have a funny way of growing up and testing their parents.  She’ll fail.

It’s heartbreaking that she’s casually denying you one of the basic joys in life for any parent; the chance to bond with the child of your child.  What she’s doing to her child is worse.  Getting to know our grandparents happens when our personalities form; the feelings that we have about family are forged in those first years…and what she’s teaching your grandson is that family ties are disposable and that it’s okay to play favorites.

That’s the bad news.  The good news is that she’s also a bully, and bullies have a way of backing down in the face of superior strength.  She has the baby, but you have maturity: it’s time to challenge her as calmly as you’re able.  It’s also time to let your son know that this is his problem, as well.

Actually, let’s talk about your son, for a moment.  He’s not making excuses for his wife in her bizarre struggle with you, he’s cultivating you and your husband as emotional allies.  On some level he’s likely not even aware of, he’s already afraid of her…and as long as you are, too, he doesn’t feel so alone.  Or cowardly.

Don’t be his ally, or her toady.  Sit them down and tell them – directly – how you feel.  Tell them both how much you’ve looked forward to having grandchildren, and how confusing and upsetting it is that you’re not given much in the way of access to their son.  The important part is to keep the conversation about you and your feelings; don’t wonder aloud about her motives, because she can disagree with your assessment, and use that to pump up her self-righteousness…and to deepen the divide between you and your son.  Stick to “this is painful, and we don’t understand.”

And then, when your son circles back to make excuses for her, don’t let him.  Keep up the calm “this is painful, and we don’t understand” narrative.  You may not want to middle him, but he’s already in the middle, and needs to be uncomfortable enough to stand up to his wife.  Clear expressions of your pain will be a lot more effective than either continuing to suck it up or finally (and understandably) losing your temper.

Yours in patience,

Philip