Dear
Philip:
I have a 17-year-old son, and while I’m sure
he has tried pot, my husband and I have been very clear that we don’t approve
of it and that there will be consequences if we catch him doing it. We have let him have a beer at home with us
on a few occasions, but we didn’t let him go out afterward. We are not the strictest parents, but we are
trying to help him respect the law and the danger that drugs and drinking can
cause.
Here is our problem: one of his best friends
has parents who allow the boys to drink at their house, as long as everyone is
sleeping over. The parents stay upstairs
while the boys party in the basement. (They
even bought their sons a special “beer pong” table.) We don’t approve, but we don’t want him to
feel he has to sneak around on us in order to be with his friends, who are good
kids. What we’re really afraid of,
though, is that it isn’t just drinking going on at that house.
He argues that what those parents do is the
same as what we do when we allow him a drink at home as long as he isn’t going
to drive. Is he right?
Uncertain but Trying
Dear Uncertain:
Seriously? You’re worried your son may have a
point? I mean, I’ll cut him some slack,
on two counts: he’s got a developing 17-year-old brain, which means reasoning
probably isn’t his strong suit, and he really wants to party with his
friends. But what’s your excuse?
Of course what
those folks do isn’t the same as what you do when it comes to alcohol. You and your husband are parents. They’re idiots. And maybe something worse.
Let’s start with
you, though: I applaud your first
paragraph, Uncertain. You’re doing it
right, where it comes to alcohol and drugs.
Though some might disagree, I’m all for allowing your son a beer every
once in awhile, under your supervision.
In fact, Connecticut law says a minor can consume alcohol when
accompanied by a parent. When you think
about it, what better way to take the mystique out of drinking? What better way to guide your child –
carefully – through the physical effects of alcohol?
As to the pot,
you’re likely being realistic when you say you suspect your son has tried it,
but you’re also rightly holding a much firmer line at home: we don’t accept it,
and if we find out about it, there will be serious, meaningful
consequences. You might try sitting your
son down and explaining why you allow one in the home, and not the other. Tell him about the effects pot can have on
his growing cells, on his judgment, and on his future plans, if he’s arrested. Tell him also about the incredibly dangerous
lack of quality control, when it comes to illegal substances.
Once you’ve had
that conversation, you might call his friend’s parents and explain a few things
to them, too: like the fact that they can – and will – go to jail for providing
alcohol to minors if that basement party gets loud enough to attract the
police. Ask them if they’ve considered
the civil liability they’ll face if some drunk kid gets hurt (or hurts someone
else) after boozing at their house…and ask if they seriously think kids aren’t
coming and going from their basement, no matter how many times everyone
promises to “sleep over.”
Of course, folks
dumb enough to let their kids throw ragers while they keep out of the way might
not understand the subtleties of common sense…and, in their fear of not seeming
cool to their kids, they might get angry with you for even voicing
concern. In fact, I’d bet on it.
So talk to your
son, instead. Tell him all the stuff
you’d have said to them, and then add how angry it makes you that his friend’s
folks have abdicated very basic parenting responsibilities and created a
situation that puts him, his friends, and even themselves at great risk.
Tell him that you
pray it won’t take a dead teen or a perp walk to straighten those foolish,
selfish people out.
Philip
