Trying to be Miss Right, Not Miss Right Now

Dear Philip:

I am a single woman in my 40s. I haven’t lived in the area long and don’t know many people, so I have been using Match.com.  What I have found is that most of the men who respond to my profile on this site and sites like it are only looking for hook-ups.  It is really depressing how many times I have corresponded with someone who seemed very nice, but within a few messages started to get very sexual.  Even when I try to ignore the comments and steer the conversation back to an appropriate place, they don’t get the hint.

How do I let someone I’m interested in know that I find that kind of communication inappropriate?

Tired of the Game

Dear Tired,

Here’s the short version: you don’t bother letting them know, because you immediately stop being interested in them, and you move on.

Here’s the long version:  oh, Tired, I feel for you.  You believe – because you’re an optimist – that if you just use a little reason, you can curb the piggishness of the men you’ve been finding through online dating and show them that you’re a real person, worthy of an adult relationship.  That you’re Miss Right.  The reality, though, is that the majority of men on Match.com – and eHarmony, and other similar sites – are looking for Miss Right Now.  Anecdotal evidence suggests that they have plenty of success.

If anyone wants confirmation of the old axiom that women use sex to get love and men use love to get sex, then about twenty minutes on an internet-based dating service should do the trick.  The web has taken dating from something that’s traditionally social – that is, our friends fix us up, and we conduct ourselves with the understanding that our friends are paying attention – to something that’s “social” only in the smugly-modern sense of the word: we look for mates in a virtual room full of strangers, who often use the cloak of anonymity to satisfy their basest impulses.

Your problem is that you’re refusing to see honesty: people will often tell you exactly who they are, if you’ll let them.  The guys that get sexual in their communication with women they’ve never met?  They’re not looking for relationships.  They’re telling you as much.  So listen.  Stop trying to give random strangers the benefit of the doubt, and instead, be grateful that they’ve accurately communicated their personalities to you before you’ve gone to the trouble of meeting them for a drink.

In fact, Tired, I’ve got a homework assignment for you.  For at least the next month, practice zero tolerance when you use an internet dating site.  The moment someone you haven’t met goes past mildly flirtatious and becomes openly sexual, tell ’em, “Thanks, anyway,” and move on.  If you’re truly tired of the game, then change the rules to your advantage.  Online dating, after all, is a numbers game…and by refusing to waste time in the vain attempt to get piggish men to behave, you’ll have more time to sift through and find the guys – and they’re out there – who know how to talk to a lady.

Platonically yours,

Philip

Dear Philip:

Our daughter’s friend is a classmate whose parents are known for their nasty, often litigious fights with neighbors.  We don’t want to have anything to do with that family, but our daughter thinks we’re being unfair to a child who hasn’t done anything wrong.  Who’s right?

Nervous

Dear Nervous:

With apologies to Renée Zellweger, you had me at “litigious.” You’re both right: you should probably stay away from that family, and that’s unfair to your daughter’s friend. The unfairness, however, isn’t of your making.  Explain to your daughter that some people involve the courts in every dispute, which can be agonizing and expensive.  Tell her that you simply can’t afford the risk of having anything happen to her friend in your house, or of something happening to her at her friend’s house.  Then tell her how sad the situation makes you feel.

Hoping that’s settled (out of court), 

Philip 

When to Unfriend? Navigating the Politics of (and on) Facebook

Dear Philip:

I used to enjoy Facebook.  Now I find the most horrible political postings from people that I otherwise like.  I am shocked by the nasty, hateful things that some of my “friends” post, and I wish I didn’t know this about them.  Do I unfriend them, or just not look at Facebook until after the election?

Shocked and Dismayed

Dear S.A.D.,

Isn’t it amazing how, thanks to modern technology, just about anyone can become the jerky Uncle who ruins Thanksgiving every year?  To quote a former president, I feel your pain: I’ve taken advantage of that newest verb in our lexicon and unfriended more than a few Facebook buddies over the stuff they feel the need to share with the world.

Here are my rough guidelines for navigating political “talk” in the age of social media.  If a Facebook friend posts something that disagrees with my beliefs, but is respectful and/or interesting, that’s swell.  Appreciated, even.  After all, those who seek only confirmation of their own views tend to be uninformed…and are usually proud of their ignorance. I’d rather not fall into that camp.  If a friend posts something that puts down my candidate, but is mild and funny, that’s fine, too.  When we start to creep into open – and personal – derision, I have to think about whether I like that person enough to let them bring me down whenever I come across one of their posts. 

Here’s my automatic “you’re outta here” trigger: If someone on my roster of Facebook friends reposts hateful, racist, homophobic, extreme garbage, especially from a fourth-rate political blog, they’re gone.  Doesn’t matter if they live down the street or if I had a crush on them in high school.  (Which happened, by the way: a girl I mooned over as a teenager turns out to be about as ugly on the inside as she was beautiful on the outside.  Finding that out sort of retroactively ruined the crush, you know?)

Obviously, politics are a minefield.  Four years ago, I was honored to be the guest speaker at our library’s annual meeting, and I played a little prank on the crowd.  In closing, I said, “I know we’re not supposed to discuss these things in public, but in the spirit of community, I’d like to share something.”  My parents shrunk a little, right in the front row.  “I know we’re coming to the end of a long, hard-fought contest – and I know that around here, my guys are not exactly the favorites.”  My wife looked daggers at me, not knowing where I was headed.  “I feel it’s important nevertheless,” I continued, “to support my side.”  Arctic doesn’t begin to describe the chill that developed in that room.  And then I leaned forward, put on the baseball cap I’d hidden in the podium, and shouted, “Go, Red Sox!”

I got a big laugh, which grew louder when I added, “Did you think I meant something else?”

Here’s the thing that ultimately made my joke not that funny…but very interesting.  At least four people informed my folks afterward that if I’d actually mentioned the candidates they didn’t support, they would have stood up and walked out.  I was floored: have we grown so intolerant of anything or anyone who disagrees with us that the mere mention of the other side will cause us to be angry and rude?

The answer, I’m afraid, can be found in some of the stuff posted on social media.  Here’s hoping that our ability to reject the worst of that stuff by using the unfriend button will promote tolerance on Facebook.  Better spelling would be nice, too.

Bipartisanly yours,

Philip

Dear Philip:

So, give us a prediction.  Who’s going to win this thing?

Eager to Know

Dear Eager:

Right now, my money’s on the terrific “Argo,” though I suspect Spielberg’s “Lincoln” will give it a run.  I’m really hoping that “Les Miserables” ends up as a strong contender, too.  But we’ll just have to see.

Wait: did you mean something else?

Get thee to the polls!

Philip