Dear
Philip:
When is it okay to discipline someone else’s
child? My husband gets aggravated when
our son’s friends misbehave, and is in the habit of telling them to “knock it
off.” He has even done so when those
children’s parents are present. I agree
with him that some of our son’s friends are overindulged and that their parents
should be keeping them in line, but I think he is overstepping his bounds.
Not
Our Problem
Dear Not,
Here’s what you
left out of your letter: your husband’s contact information. Clearly, he’s a guy I’d like to hang
with...especially at a child’s birthday party.
I’m with him on this one, to a point.
For folks trying
to raise their sons and daughters to be people who respect others and live
within reasonable boundaries, nothing is as aggravating as OPK (Other People’s
Kids). They’re why your efforts seem
undone at the end of certain school days, and why your child comes home from
parties with a new list of demands and a bad case of what our folks called
“smart mouth.” In other words, OPK
really are your problem.
Before we get to
your husband, though, let’s talk about the essential service that the brattiest
of your son’s friends provide. To be
perfectly Oprah about it, the behavior of OPK makes for great teachable
moments: the trick is to focus your teaching on labeling the behavior and not
the child, no matter how appropriate the words “spoiled brat” might seem.
Here’s an example:
You’re in the cereal aisle when you and your son witness the classic
supermarket power struggle not 25 feet in front of you. There’s mother and daughter, and daughter is
grabbing the sugary-est of sugar cereals, yelling shrilly over her mother’s
protestations until they’re literally having a tug of war over a box with a
Cap’n on it. Now, you can’t very well
step in, because it isn’t your business, and because there’s no potential for
serious harm. (Except maybe to your
eardrums.) What you can do is turn your
cart around, head to another aisle, and have a chat with your son. “That was very upsetting,” you might
start. Then go with a question: “Do you
think that’s how to get your way? By
whining and carrying on?” Notice that
you’ve just posed a question that has a built in answer…and all kinds of
implicit condemnation.
But no
name-calling. By labeling the behavior
as whiny, you’ve made it clear to your own child that acting out like that is
unacceptable to you, and you’ve done it in a way that’s firm, but almost
collaborative. You didn’t lecture your
son – who wasn’t misbehaving! – with some form of “You’d better never do that,”
but instead gave him an opportunity to see how upset brattiness makes you. In short, you made him feel warned and not
blamed.
When your son is
in a group, though, and the play is getting either rough or inconsiderate, you
and your husband have every right to step in…though again, to correct the
behavior, and not label a child. “Knock
it off” shows disapproval of what’s going on; it’s not a blanket condemnation
of the kids. I wrote that I’m with your
husband “to a point,” because I think “knock it off” isn’t enough, and
correction should come with an explanation.
I’m fond of “Hey, guys? This is a
store, not a playground. Settle.” I’ve also been known to throw out a
judicious, “That’s not what that’s meant for.
Treat our stuff respectfully.”
For me, the rule of thumb is always this: if my child is either involved
or within earshot, I step in to stuff that makes me uncomfortable. I’m not trying to teach anyone else’s
children, I’m trying to teach my own where the boundaries are.
Finally, let me
add that I think you used the word “discipline” incorrectly: when your husband
cries “knock it off!” in the middle of a group of rowdy kids, he’s attempting
to stop behavior, but he’s not punishing OPK.
Unfortunately for
all of us, neither are their parents.
Yours in peace and
quiet,
Philip
