Where There's a Will, There's a Dog.

Dear Philip,

My 84-year-old mother recently bought herself a dog, not long after my father passed away. I am concerned because dogs can live a very long time, and she will probably not outlive her new pet. She may not even be able to take care of him for very long. Her attitude is that someone will want him when she passes away, and she feels it is too morbid to discuss the subject now. I am afraid I will be expected to take the dog, as I am her only child. Any advice?

Pet Free by Choice

Dear Pet Free,

Reason number 3,475 that dogs are better than people: they don’t let their sensitivities get in the way of good decision making.

Your mother isn’t keen on talking about the fact that her new pooch will likely outlive her. That’s understandable; no one wants to think about their own mortality. Her avoidance of the discomfort involved in discussing reality, however, is pretty crummy news for the dog she’s just brought into her life. That’s because without a plan for his future care in place, Rover might follow her into the great beyond sooner than she probably would have wanted.

Forgive the bluntness, but that’s a very likely outcome if there isn’t a plan for the care of your mother’s dog in place before she passes away. Pets who are not taken in by family or friends go to public shelters; pets who are not adopted from public shelters within a set time usually face the needle.

So talk to your mom, Pet Free, and start the conversation with this pretty stark number from the Humane Society: as many as 500,000 pets end up in shelters each year as a result of owner death or incapacitation. Well over half those companion animals will be put down. With that in mind, maybe her sensitivities will seem a little less important to her. Tell your mom that – like all great things – pet ownership involves a little planning. Then help her make that plan.

Start with a list of folks who might be willing to take her dog if and when she can no longer take care of him. Make sure she comes up with several backups: some people might say no, and some who initially say yes might have their circumstances change, and might not be able (or allowed) to have a pet if the day comes that they’ll be called upon. Then have your mom talk to the people on her list.

One of the things that will help those people say yes to your mother is the knowledge that the dog wouldn’t bring financial burden along with his squeaky toys. So have your mom put a little money aside, or better yet, set up a small trust (which is legal in Connecticut and most other states) expressly for the expenses that come with dog ownership. Do a guestimate of food and vet costs based on the dog’s life expectancy; the amount in the trust can be reduced down the road.

Finally, encourage your mom to keep a list of all the important things someone who cares for her dog would want to know. Are there foods he needs to stay away from? How does he let your mom know when he’s not feeling well? Which toy calms him down, and where does he like to sleep? That kind of stuff. In fact, making that list will probably help her get over her sensitivity about discussing the time when she’s no longer here. That’s because the act of caring for others – of any species – has a miraculous way of taking us out of ourselves.

Which is something I hope you’ll consider, Pet Free, when your mom is making that list of potential pooch caretakers. (If you’re allergic or just really don’t want a pet, disregard what follows, of course. I’ve been there on both counts…though now I have two dogs that I love fiercely.) I know that the weight of obligation can be crushing, but – if you’re at all open to adopting your mother’s final companion – I think there’s something pretty wonderful about inheriting love.  

Yours in tummy scratching,

Philip

No Use Crying Over a Ruined Bag.

Dear Philip,

My niece (a high school junior) asked to borrow a very nice bag from me for her winter break. She was excited about going away and promised she would take care of it, so against my better judgment I let her. The bag now has a large, dark stain on it. I have not heard directly from my niece; my sister just keeps telling me how awful her daughter feels.

I think my niece should replace the bag. She asked to borrow it and I entrusted it to her care. My sister told me the bag her daughter ruined is “ridiculously expensive,” and has offered to buy one that she thinks looks just like it, but at half the cost. Should I let her buy me the cheaper bag, or insist that she replace exactly what was damaged?

Never Lending Again

Dear Never,

 You know why I got into the advice racket? It’s because I’m tired of mean people – the Dr. Lauras of the world – making sure they lace their guidance with plenty of scorn for the folks who call or write in. I don’t care for name-calling and I don’t do mean.

That makes you something of a challenge, Never: I find myself wanting to be semi-unkind to your niece, her mom…and you. Because you’re all not only at fault, you’re also all behaving like children.

Which kind of lets your niece off the hook, because she’s at least chronologically a child. Still, once she’d damaged your bag she should have come to you herself, both to apologize and to work out a payment plan for repair or replacement. That’s called responsibility. She borrowed an expensive bag (probably in part because of the status its value would afford her), and now she needs to step up and deal with the consequence of treating something of value so carelessly.

Whether or not you should hold the kid to the full value of, let’s say, a Louis Vuitton bag…well, that we’ll get to. At the very least, she should be offering to work it off.

Ah, but what of her mother, the person who clearly must have known that her daughter borrowed a “ridiculously expensive” bag…and now wants to knock off the debt with a knock off? She’s a peach, and if I could ask you to take on just a little further expense, Never, I’d suggest that you send her a parenting book. First, she should have told her daughter that she could not borrow something so pricey, unless she was prepared to replace it. Then – post-stain – she should have marched the kid to your house for the aforementioned apology/offer to replace. Third, she should have spared you the sour-grapes “ridiculously expensive” comment and the bargain-basement replacement offer. That’s literally adding insult to (financial) injury.

Come to think of it, send her several parenting books.

Then get yourself a book on common sense, and thumb through until you find the chapter about teenagers. I feel for you, Never, but you had to know that a 16-year-old on school break is maybe not the person to entrust with something you hold valuable. That doesn’t mean your niece has no responsibility, of course, but it does mean that you’re not exactly an innocent victim in this.

A cynic will tell you that you just learned an expensive lesson. I’ll dispense with cynicism, though, and suggest that you have an opportunity to do what your sister has not, and parent your niece.

Turn down the knock-off, and insist that your niece come see you. Explain to her that she was wrong to borrow something she couldn’t easily replace, and she was wrong to let that thing come to harm. Then explain that you were wrong for not turning her down in the first place; that you missed an opportunity to help her learn when borrowing is appropriate and when it isn’t. Then split the cost with her: tell her you expect her – and not her folks – to pay you back a certain amount, over time.

And next time, Never, remember that it’s called “better judgment” for a reason.  

Yours in stain removal,

Philip