My Column Goes to the Dogs...

Dear Philip,

My wife wants a puppy.  My kids want a puppy.  I don’t want a puppy, because I know my wife and kids well enough to know that I will be the one stuck with late-night walks and training it and cleaning up after it, etc.  Our son is 12 and our daughter is 10, and I have ended up taking care of hamsters and fish that they have sworn they would take care of. 

This is the first time my wife has shown interest in a pet, and it has caused a little tension that I have put my foot down.  I wouldn’t mind having a dog, but I don’t want the added responsibility.  How do I make my family happy on this score without ending up resenting them?

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

Dog ownership is responsibility, hard work, and sacrifice, and should not be entered into by people who aren’t ready and willing to take those things on.  When my wife and girls asked for a dog a few years back, I said, “No way,” both for the reason you cite and also because I have asthma, and my doc said I should in no way be a dog owner. 

We now have two.  And I have an inhaler.

Bodhi and Charlie (who would have been Wyatt and Doc, had I had any negotiation skills or had my family properly appreciated Westerns) each came with sleepless nights early on, the ability to stain carpets and trash furniture, and a limitless capacity for loyalty and affection.  I can’t imagine what my hesitation was.

This is not to side with your family, but merely to point out that if you’re at the “I wouldn’t mind” stage, I suspect you’d end up just as in love with the puppy as your wife and kids will be.  If you’d written that you really don’t want a dog, period, I’d advise you not to get one, period.  Instead, I’ll advise you that your dog isn’t the only one you can train, here. 

Let’s start with you, Perplexed: how on earth did you end up taking care of pets that are meant specifically to be just enough responsibility for a child?  Small pet ownership is a great vehicle for parenting, in that it allows you to explain to your kids what is required of them before you’ll let them have the hamster or fish or whatever, and then it gives you the opportunity to hold them to their end of the bargain.  Don’t want to clean the cage?  Too bad: no computer time until it’s done. 

Instead of fearing that your kids won’t show any discipline, realize that you and your wife are the ones who are supposed to instill it in them.  Tell your wife what your concerns about dog ownership are, and ask for her help in making sure that every one does his or her part.  Explain to your kids that, if you’re to consider adding to the family, they’ll need to agree to certain rules.  Don’t think of getting a puppy as a sign that you have no spine, Perplexed; think of it as a way to show some.

Yours in rug cleaning,

Philip

Your Cheatin' Coworker: To Tell or Not to Tell?

Dear Philip,

The company I work for threw an after-hours party at a bar following a day-long conference.  Lots of alcohol was consumed.  A woman who works for one of our suppliers – I’ll call her Jill – started flirting strenuously with a man who works for us, who I’ll call Pete.  Both are married to other people, and both live in the area.

By the time Jill and Pete started touching each other in ways that some married couples wouldn’t be comfortable with, in public, I noticed that several people were commenting on them, and many seemed to be uncomfortable.  Before the party had wound down, Jill made a show of saying she had to get home…and left with Pete.  I know Jill’s husband socially, and my wife is friends with Pete’s wife.  We don’t know what (if anything) happened between them, but we’re both feeling like we should say something.  Is that our place?

Angry and Uncertain

Dear Angry,

You should absolutely say something…but maybe not what – or to whom – you might think.

Before you asked if it’s your place to speak up, you noted correctly that you don’t know what happened between Jill and Pete, that night.  (Though I’d wager there’s a garage security camera that has a very good idea.)  You have your suspicions, but you can’t say for sure.

And that’s just the start of what you don’t know.  You don’t know what goes on in the homes of either party, or what their spouses know or might even accept, and you certainly don’t know how either of those spouses would react to what you have to tell them.  Maybe Jill’s husband would become angry with Jill…but maybe he’d turn his wrath on you, for suggesting that his wife was anything beyond flirtatious.  Maybe Pete’s wife would take the louse to the woodshed – or the cleaners – but perhaps she’d feel backed into a corner by your wife’s knowledge and involvement, and put her efforts into badmouthing your wife to their mutual friends.  I’ve actually seen that happen.

Again, that’s what you don’t know.  Here’s what you do know: Jill and Pete made you and several folks that you all work with extremely uncomfortable.  You know that there are other people who are in the same boat that you’re in, right now, wondering what their ethical duty is to the partners who were home that night.  You know that Jill and Pete have put you in the horrible position of wondering whether it’s better to voice strong suspicions and give the affected a chance to deal with a potentially hurtful situation, or to stay silent, and become somehow complicit in that situation.

You’ve guessed, correctly, that you and your wife can’t win here.  If you speak to the spouses, you risk all sorts of unintended consequences…and if you say nothing, and those spouses eventually discover that you were silent about the night in the bar, they’ll partially blame you for their misery.  So my advice is don’t stay silent:

The folks you and your wife need to talk to are Jill and Pete.  Chances are good that they’ll both deny they acted on all that flirtation, and they’ll use your lack of absolute knowledge to try to end the conversation.  (They’ll be all indignant, too.  Count on it.)  Don’t let them.  Tell them that your concern comes from the discomfort they very strongly created in that bar.  Tell them that you’re not alone in wondering whether their spouses have a right to know how Jill and Pete behaved in front of a room full of coworkers. 

Tell them you’re angry with them for putting you in this situation.  Make it clear that you and your wife are not the morality police, but rather two people who are adamant that your friends (their spouses) are treated with consideration and respect.

Finally, tell Jill and Pete that if they act like that in front of you again, with each other or anyone else, you’ll be forced to take it up with their spouses.  And mean it.

Yours in treading carefully,

Philip