How Can I Be Sure About My (Older) Boyfriend?

Dear Philip,

I am dating a man who is seven years older than I am.  That does not sound like a lot but right now it feels like it is, because I am 22 and he is 29.  He is a great guy and treats me very well, but I think he is ready to settle down while I have only just gotten out of college and started working, and am not ready for a serious commitment.

The problem is that he is the best boyfriend I have ever had, and I am afraid I’ll lose him if I even try dating anyone else.  I have brought up “seeing other people” with him, and he says that is just an excuse to break up with him.  How do I make him see that unless I go on other dates, I won’t be sure about being with him?

Taking My Time

Dear Taking:

Can’t thank you enough for providing the fodder for an interesting ‘what if’ game: I’ve spent the last several minutes imagining what would have happened if I’d tried your argument out on any of the women I dated…including the woman I went on to marry.  “Uh, honey, you treat me well and you’re the best girlfriend a fella could have, but I just need to do some comparison shopping…” Pretty much every way I play out that scenario in my head, I end up alone.  (Or – in the case of one, uh, passionate ex-girlfriend – buried somewhere in the swamps of Jersey.)

 Here’s the problem with seeing someone considerably older: you can spend a lot of time playing catch up.  When you date a person close to your age, you tend to experience the same stuff at around the same time.  Adjusting to the working world.  Getting your own place and paying rent.  Dealing with Uncle Sam.  The urge to stay out until 3:00 a.m.  Some of the strongest relationships form when people help each other through the things life dishes out.  I throw up a little in my mouth every time some nitwit on The Bachelor talks about “taking this journey together,” but the logic behind the cliché is unassailable.

The key phrase from that last paragraph is “help each other through.”  The dynamic is different when one person in a relationship is always the more experienced, simply because of age.  For some people, that works: some want to lead, some want to be lead.

I’m going to guess from your letter that you don’t fall into that category, and you’re starting to chafe because your boyfriend is (not unreasonably) ready for a more permanent relationship than you might be.  I’d venture that he’s had a few more relationships than you have, and has a better idea of what he’s looking for.

The problem is that this is one area where you can’t really play catch up, because it’s naïve – and possibly hurtful – to believe that you can sort of “try out” other potential matches by dating around even as you keep one foot in your current relationship. My question is this: is that willful naiveté, on your part?  In other words, are you using “I’m concerned that I don’t have enough experience” to mask a waning interest in your current boyfriend?

Before you do anything, figure that out. If you come to find that you’re just not interested enough in this guy to keep the relationship going, you’ll get a chance to show that new-found maturity by letting him go honestly and gracefully.

If, however, you spend some time soul-searching and come away feeling that he really might be the right person for you, I have some good news: the age-difference will matter less as you get older.  (Conversely, it matters a whole lot when you’re younger.  If you were 12 and he were 19, I’d be too busy rounding up a posse to answer your letter.)

Finding someone you genuinely love, someone who treats you with respect, is no easy feat.  That doesn’t mean that he’s definitely “the one,” of course; only time will tell you that.  So live up to your name, Taking My Time, and take your time.  Commit only when you’re ready.  If he’s the right one for you, he’ll wait.

Yours in patience,

Philip

Can't Lose Weight? Lose the Resolution.

Dear Philip,

Why can’t I keep even a simple New Year’s resolution?  I promised myself that I would lose weight, and almost a week into 2014 I am two pounds heavier than I was when I woke up on New Year’s Day. How do I make a resolution that I can stick to?

Quick Failure

Dear Quick:

I’m so confused: you set an incredibly vague goal at the very end of a stressful holiday week, and it hasn’t magically worked in seven days?  Shocking.

Greetings from the Magic Kingdom, where your local advice columnist is writing to you in between bouts of horrible eating and far too much glee over things meant for people approximately one-sixth his age.  One of the greatest sights at Disney – aside from the stand that sells gigantic turkey legs – is the Cinderella Castle, where dwells the young lady who sang, “A dream is a wish your heart makes.”

Well, Quick, a resolution is a wish your brain makes; that is, it’s something you know you ought to do to improve yourself…so maybe it deserves a bit more planning.

You used the word “simple,” and I think that’s one source of your problem.  “Lose weight” is an admirable goal, but it isn’t much in the way of a plan.  Which is exactly why most people blow their New Year’s resolutions: they have great intentions, but no road maps.  “I’m going to lose weight.”  That’s great, but how?  “I’m going to quit smoking.”  Terrific: how?  “I’m going to make new friends/get a better job/date more.”  How, how, how?

The other source of your problem is something my daughter the psychology major explained to me after I assured my family that I’d be getting to the gym more in ‘14: research has shown that people derive almost as much pleasure from announcing their goals as they do from achieving them.  (Isn’t it amazing how we send them to college so that they can mock us with what they learn there?)  It’s a good point, though: the accomplishment has to be in the doing, not in the saying.

So don’t just make a resolution; make a plan.  Make your simple commitment a complex one.  Start with what you’ll do to prepare to drop the extra pounds.  Realize that healthy weight loss involves diet and exercise, and set reasonable goals for each.  For instance, don’t just tell yourself you’ll eat less, because that’s too vague and will set you up to overreach and fail: starving yourself because of a promise made on New Year’s could, say, cause you to gain two pounds in your first week of dieting…whereby you decide you’re a failure, give up entirely on your resolution, and write to an advice columnist.

So take a breath, and grab a pen.  What’s a reasonable plan?  Pushing away the bread plate, maybe?  How about exercising some portion control.  Or figuring out one or two things that get you into trouble, food-wise, and trying to greatly reduce them.  Baby steps, Quick, will help you lose the baby fat.

Likewise with exercise.  Don’t run out and join an expensive gym, at least not until you’ve got the exercise habit.  Make yourself an easy-to-meet schedule.  A half-hour at a convenient time at least a few days a week; something you can keep to.  Move relatively slowly at first: nothing will end your desire to become a runner faster than near-death from an attempt at a two-mile jog right off the bat.  Set small, reachable goals: think perspiration, not Advil.

In all of the things you do, understand that you’ll fail here and there.  Be prepared for the fact that most worthy treks in life move two steps up, and then one step back.  So cut yourself some slack…just don’t let go of the rope.

Most importantly, Quick, get started.  Don’t wait for another New Year’s to roll around before deciding that you’re going to do something about the things that make you unhappy.  Exercise can begin whenever you resolve to put on your sneakers.  Good food choices can start on any day of the year, wherever you may find yourself.

Except maybe the Magic Kingdom. 

Cinderella sends her love,

Philip