Ready to Run Away? Maybe It's TIme to Regroup

Dear Philip,

I am 26 and work for an insurance company.  I hate my job.  It was the only decent one I could get after college, so I took it, and now I’m scared I will be working here forever.

A friend told me that I should figure out what I really want to do while I’m still young, and pursue it.  I was an actress in college, and have always dreamed of being on television.  Though it would be hard financially at first and it would mean breaking up with a man I’ve been dating for almost a year, I want to move to California and give it a real try.  Is that insane?

Ready to Take a Chance

Dear Ready,

You know that old expression about running away and joining the circus?  (Wait, how could you? Twenty-six-year-olds don’t know most old expressions.  Or that a sitcom set in an army medical unit during the Korean conflict was the best show on television, ever.)

Anyway, running away and joining the circus might not seem relevant in practice – I can’t recall the last time I’ve heard about a travelling three-ring extravaganza – but as a concept it’s pretty ageless.  And it’s also well constructed: notice how the ‘running away’ part comes first?

That’s what you’re really asking, Ready: Should I run away?

It’s a satisfying fantasy.  Your job stinks, you’re unhappy in general, maybe your relationship isn’t what you’d hoped for.  Time to wipe the slate clean, ’cause everything will be better 3,000 miles away.  How can a fresh start not be?

Well, here’s how.  First, there are pesky practical matters.  Like income, while you wait to be cast in the next big, buzzy show on AMC.  And the fact that you won’t actually be cast in that show until or unless you’ve spent years doing incredibly hard work for no pay.  Also?  The fact that there are countless people with the exact same dream, so your odds – even if you do manage to pay your dues while working the graveyard shift at Denny’s – are incredibly slim.

Which is romantic…and completely insane.

But we’re not really talking about your life-long dream of being on the small screen, are we, Ready?  We’re talking about running away.  Which means we’re talking about your unhappiness.

Let’s start with your job.  You took something right out of college because you felt you needed to, and now it terrifies you that you’ll be stuck doing the same thing for the rest of your working years.  That’s a completely legitimate fear.  So regroup.  Put your resume together, and in the process of doing so, discover what your qualifications and strengths are.  Find a mentor or career coach and share what you’ve learned about yourself.  They’ll be able to suggest other industries to explore, or other jobs within the one you’re in now that might be more interesting to you.  Maybe look for part-time classes that can help train you for new areas.

But don’t quit.  Don’t.  Do all of the above while you’re still drawing a paycheck from the insurance company.  It’s easier to get a job from a job.  Though it’s often unfair, a current stretch of unemployment on a resume can raise red flags with potential employers. You’ll also make better choices about the future if you’re not flat broke in the present.

Now, take a look at the rest of your life.  If you’re so willing to ditch the boyfriend for the Hollywood hills, is it just maybe possible that you want to run away from him, too?  You don’t have to: “I just don’t see this going anywhere” works just as well as a transcontinental bus ticket.

Find the things about your life that you do like, and concentrate on them.  That’ll help you to get through changing the stuff that’s making you unhappy, and it’ll help you to stop fantasizing about the life you’re missing out west.  Because at this very moment, Ready, there are about a million struggling actors in Hollywood who think that a steady job back east sounds pretty swell.

Eagerly awaiting your community theater debut,

Philip

A Friend in Need...is Just What Her Hubby Dreads

Dear Philip,

My husband can’t stand my friend Cathy.  It’s starting to become a real problem, because she’s going through a very tough time and has been coming over a lot.  Yes, she can be needy, and also sometimes dramatic, but I don’t understand why he can’t just try to feel some sympathy for her.

When Cathy went through a divorce a few years ago, he was very kind to her and helped her sort out her finances.  He didn’t complain then, and he knew I appreciated the help he gave her.  What I don’t understand is why she is suddenly bothering him so much.  He insists that she’s “crazy” and complains that we’re too involved in her life. 

How do I explain to him that he’s being unfair, and that she needs us?

Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught,

You explain that stuff the same way you explain anything to a husband: by speaking slowly and using small words.

(The preceding joke was written so that I could pretend to be on your side for, oh, at least a sentence.  Pretending now officially over.)

I’ll give you this, Caught: I believe that you believe that your friend Cathy isn’t a huge pain in the butt.  Further, I believe that you think you’re doing her some good by letting her come over a lot, where she can be dramatic and needy in your presence, and drive your husband…well, that same word he used to describe her.  I also believe that you are wrong on both counts.

Before we talk about that, though, allow me to speak briefly on behalf of all husbands: When we choose to be nice to a particular friend of yours, we do not automatically sign a document waiving our right to eventually find that friend annoying, or worse.  Further, we do not appreciate having our past kindness used as a cudgel to beat us into submission when and if we change our mind about that friend down the road.  It isn’t fair, and it might start to feel like good incentive to withhold our support from the next friend of yours that goes through a hard time.

That said, let’s move on to you and Cathy.  I want you to reread the letter you sent me, and notice a few word choices.  First, you yourself use the words “dramatic” and “needy” to describe your friend.  Both suggest a history: she’s used to asking a lot of you, and she overstates stuff…like her emotions and her situation.  Now that your husband has had to deal with her for a while – you mention her divorce and her current “tough time” – I suspect he sees her coming and thinks, “Oh no: what now?”  Try to see that his compassion for her has turned to dread.

Second, notice that you ended your letter with the plural: you didn’t write, “she needs me,” you wrote, “she needs us.”  In your head, your husband is as responsible for her as you feel you are.  He isn’t.  In fact, like all other adults, he’s allowed to choose who he’ll extend help to, who he’ll feel sympathy for, and who he’ll spend time with.  Clearly, Cathy isn’t on his list.  And considering how you yourself describe her, can you blame him, entirely?

I probably can’t convince you that your friend Cathy is likely using you, though I suspect you’ll come to that yourself, in time.  What I can do, instead, is to gently suggest that you respect your husband’s feelings.

Instead of trying to convince him of all the reasons you think he should put his dread and annoyance aside, tell your husband that you can see how he feels, and that you’ll conduct your relationship with Cathy on your own time.  Next time she asks to come by when your husband is home, tell her it isn’t convenient, and suggest a time when it will be.

Then don’t be surprised when – out of resentment that you’re not available to her 24/7 – Cathy finds someone else and stops parading her problems in front of you.  And your very relieved husband.

Yours in marital accord,

Philip