Dear
Philip,
My husband can’t stand my friend Cathy. It’s starting to become a real problem,
because she’s going through a very tough time and has been coming over a
lot. Yes, she can be needy, and also
sometimes dramatic, but I don’t understand why he can’t just try to feel some
sympathy for her.
When Cathy went through a divorce a few
years ago, he was very kind to her and helped her sort out her finances. He didn’t complain then, and he knew I
appreciated the help he gave her. What I
don’t understand is why she is suddenly bothering him so much. He insists that she’s “crazy” and complains
that we’re too involved in her life.
How do I explain to him that he’s being
unfair, and that she needs us?
Caught in the Middle
Dear Caught,
You explain that
stuff the same way you explain anything to a husband: by speaking slowly and
using small words.
(The preceding
joke was written so that I could pretend to be on your side for, oh, at least a
sentence. Pretending now officially
over.)
I’ll give you
this, Caught: I believe that you believe that your friend Cathy isn’t a huge
pain in the butt. Further, I believe
that you think you’re doing her some good by letting her come over a lot, where
she can be dramatic and needy in your presence, and drive your husband…well,
that same word he used to describe her.
I also believe that you are wrong on both counts.
Before we talk
about that, though, allow me to speak briefly on behalf of all husbands: When we
choose to be nice to a particular friend of yours, we do not automatically sign
a document waiving our right to eventually find that friend annoying, or
worse. Further, we do not appreciate
having our past kindness used as a cudgel to beat us into submission when and
if we change our mind about that friend down the road. It isn’t fair, and it might start to feel
like good incentive to withhold our support from the next friend of yours that
goes through a hard time.
That said, let’s
move on to you and Cathy. I want you to reread
the letter you sent me, and notice a few word choices. First, you yourself use the words “dramatic”
and “needy” to describe your friend.
Both suggest a history: she’s used to asking a lot of you, and she
overstates stuff…like her emotions and her situation. Now that your husband has had to deal with
her for a while – you mention her divorce and her current “tough time” – I
suspect he sees her coming and thinks, “Oh no: what now?” Try to see that his compassion for her has
turned to dread.
Second, notice
that you ended your letter with the plural: you didn’t write, “she needs me,”
you wrote, “she needs us.” In your head,
your husband is as responsible for her as you feel you are. He isn’t.
In fact, like all other adults, he’s allowed to choose who he’ll extend
help to, who he’ll feel sympathy for, and who he’ll spend time with. Clearly, Cathy isn’t on his list. And considering how you yourself describe
her, can you blame him, entirely?
I probably can’t
convince you that your friend Cathy is likely using you, though I suspect
you’ll come to that yourself, in time.
What I can do, instead, is to gently suggest that you respect your
husband’s feelings.
Instead of trying
to convince him of all the reasons you think he should put his dread and
annoyance aside, tell your husband that you can see how he feels, and that
you’ll conduct your relationship with Cathy on your own time. Next time she asks to come by when your
husband is home, tell her it isn’t convenient, and suggest a time when it will
be.
Then don’t be
surprised when – out of resentment that you’re not available to her 24/7 –
Cathy finds someone else and stops parading her problems in front of you. And your very relieved husband.
Yours in marital
accord,
Philip
