Dear
Philip,
My friend from college recently made a snide
remark about the fact that I never sent her a wedding present, even though the
wedding was almost ten years ago, when I had just started working and didn’t
have any money. I know I should have
made some token effort, but I was seriously broke at the time, and already had
to pay for the bridesmaid’s dress.
I can’t believe she has been harboring this
for so long, and can’t just be direct about it.
Should I say something to her, or let her comment drop?
Moved On, Already
Dear Moved,
Don’t say a
word. Send her a present, already. Seriously.
Let me see if I
get this straight. You’re asking whether or not you should confront her for
reminding you of a pretty serious lapse in manners? I’ll grant you that snide comments are not
the best form of communication, but they’re often a very telling form, and
rather than be insulted you might want to pay attention to the message: she
expected better from someone with whom she felt close enough to include in her
wedding party. Even after a decade, she
remembers the upset.
So fix it. Pick out something thoughtful, and send it
with a direct and apologetic note. Try,
“I should have sent this years ago. You
had such a lovely wedding, and I was so honored to be a part of it.” Don’t make mention of the comment that led
you to finally send a gift, and certainly don’t berate her for it or try a
snide retort of your own. Simply
acknowledge the belatedness of the gift.
Practice humility.
It’s amazing how
liberating it can be to say, without defensiveness or resentment, ‘I was wrong
and I apologize.’ Your friend will be
touched, and maybe a little embarrassed.
Don’t let her be: if she tries to tell you that her comment wasn’t meant
to result in a gift, let her off the hook.
Tell her that you’d always felt funny that you hadn’t sent a present
when you finally had the means.
Miss Manners will
tell you it’s proper to send a wedding present within a year, but I say there’s
no statute of limitation on a heartfelt, giftwrapped apology.
Oh, and picture
frames are always nice,
Philip
Dear
Philip,
Help!
My daughter texts at dinner, whether we’re at home or out. She texts when I’m driving her
somewhere. She texts when she’s hanging
out with her friends. I had to ask her
to turn her phone off at the movies, last week.
Even though she says she can’t understand
how I’m distracted by her (silently) typing to others, it bugs me to no end. Should I just accept this because it’s what
everyone seems to do, now?
Disconnected
Dear Disconnected,
Forgive me, did
you say something? I was too busy LOLing
to pay attention. Or was that
ROFLing? IDK, TTYL.
See how incredibly
dated I seem, making those jokes? That’s
because I’m an adult, Dis. Spending large amounts of time thumb-typing silly
acronyms about absolutely nothing of importance is for kids, not their parents.
And you’re a
parent, right? You did refer to the
subject of your letter as your daughter, so I’m assuming you take some
responsibility for raising her. Here’s a
great place to start: ‘Put the phone away.’
Use that phrase often, and don’t precede it with ‘Please.’
Just because we
didn’t grow up with the technology doesn’t mean we can’t recognize rude:
holding an electronic conversation with someone else while at the dinner table
– or worse, at a restaurant – is no more acceptable than talking on the phone
in those situations…so why do you accept it?
Set boundaries; teach manners.
Declare your table a phone and text-free zone, and maybe your car, too.
And definitely the
movie theater…because if her local advice columnist has to put up with one more
bright, tiny screen in front of him during a flick, she might find out how
badly cell phones do when dunked in 64-ounce Diet Cokes.
L8R,
Philip
