Looking for a 'Plus One' Under the Mistletoe

Dear Philip:

I was invited to a Christmas party by a couple I don’t know very well.  I’m single, and the invitation didn’t say, “bring a date,” so I am worried that I’ll show up and not know anyone except the hosts.  It wouldn’t be right to just show up with someone, I know, but is it okay to call the hostess and ask if I can bring a date?

Hoping for a “+1”

Dear Hoping,

It’s not okay to call and ask for a ‘+1.’  Because if the answer you get is “no,” you’ve put yourself and the hostess into an awkward spot.  (And you’ve put yourself into a position where it will be very hard not to sound like a three-year-old.  Her: “I’m sorry, but no.”  You: “Oh, yeah?  Then I’m not coming!”)  The way to avoid that awkwardness and still have a shot at a “+1” is to do a little recon…that is, to see if you can find out why you might not be allowed to bring a date without actually having to ask the question.

Before you do anything, decide whether or not you’d be willing to go solo.  You’ll need to have that answer ready, because you are indeed going to call the hostess, and you’re going to have a script prepared ahead of time that will make the conversation comfortable for both of you, and will fit any response you get from her.  Ready?  Here goes:

“Hi…I got your lovely invitation, and I’m so flattered you’d include me.  I didn’t want to hold you up, but I had already made plans with a friend for that night, and I’m not sure yet if I can change them.  Would it be an inconvenience if I let you know in a few days?”

See the beauty of that?  You’re not putting this woman on the spot.  You’re complimenting her, thanking her…and giving her the opportunity to respond without feeling challenged.  The thing is, you don’t know if this is a cars-parked-as-far-as-the-eye-can-see house party, or a sit-down dinner for eight.  If it’s the former, chances are pretty good the hostess will say, “Bring your friend!”  (Problem solved; don’t forget to tip your local advice columnist.)

If it’s the latter, though, and this couple has invited you to something much more intimate, you’ll likely get the chance to find that out before you let your fear of being in a big group and knowing no one prompt you to decline.  If your question causes the hostess to say some version of, “I’m so sorry, but it’s just a little dinner party, and our table only seats so many,” then you can accept on the spot, or you can punt.  My advice, being a great fan of the conversations to be had at small dinner parties, is to say, “Now I’m really flattered…I’ll definitely wriggle out of my plans.  Count me in.”  If you’re still unsure, try this: “I totally understand, and I’ll let you know within the next day or so, if that’s okay.”

There’s really only one other response your hostess can have, and that’s an answer that comes in an information vacuum.  If your gambit about already having plans with a friend elicits an, “Oh, no problem…let me know what you decide,” then you’ll have to keep the charade up long enough to call back with your ultimate answer.  That seems complicated, I know, but it still beats putting someone who was kind enough to invite you to their party on the spot.

Actually, there’s one other response that you might be met with, which is that the lack of a ‘+1’ was intentional.  As you wrote in your letter, you’re single…and the holidays often bring out the matchmaker in people.  So be ready for that, too.  If you’re open to meeting new people, a small dinner party is really kind of ideal, so say yes.  And then say thank you: as a woman who wrote in a few weeks ago about the ugly side of online dating will tell you, friends who will fix you up are worth their weight in gold.  Or, you know, mistletoe.

Ho-ho-ho!

Philip 

The Torture of the Holidays: It's All Relative...

Dear Philip:

Though most people dread the shopping or the cooking or the mad dash to see everyone they know, the only thing about the holidays that fills me with terror is my husband’s uncle.  Uncle Richard comes to our house and makes everyone miserable.  He picks fights about politics, he tries to hurry up Christmas dinner so that he can get back on the road, he says very ugly things, and he speaks horribly to his wife, which makes all of us uncomfortable.

Though my husband has put up with him for a few decades, I’m worried that one of these years they’ll come to blows.  Christmas is already stressful enough.  How do we deal with horrible Uncle Richard without ruining the holiday?

Already Stressed

Dear Already,

If you really want to solve the problem of Uncle Richard, you’ll need four things: plastic sheeting, a shovel, a large bag of lye, and an alibi.

(On advice of council, I hereby state that the preceding sentence was a joke.  Mostly.)

All of us have dealt – or are still dealing – with a toxic relative or two at the holidays.  They can turn any family gathering into the Bataan Death March, making us count the hours until we can send them on their way, with most of our leftovers (and patience) in tow.  Know above all else that you are not alone.

Know also that you are not completely helpless.  Though there’s no single way to stave off the Monster Who Destroyed Christmas, there are ways to lessen the damage he does, and there are positives to be taken from the ordeal he presents.  The trick here is to do some preparation.  This involves anticipating the trouble spots – do they come at the table? after two (or five) beers? does he have a usual target? – and brainstorming ways of avoiding them.  Preparing also involves communicating with your family well before Uncle Richard shows up.

Chiefly, I’m thinking about your poor husband.  One of the reasons he wants to punch his uncle every year is that it’s HIS uncle: he’s embarrassed by his blood relation to the troublemaker.  In some way, he feels responsible.  So tell him he’s not.  Also let him know that you feel for his aunt, the woman who gets to put up with his uncle’s nonsense not just at the holiday table, but all year long.  After all, she’s the only reason that the jerk is still invited.  That’s not a small point: when you let your husband know that you not only empathize, but you also see the good in inviting his aunt every year, it’ll take some of his anxiety away.

When you get closer to the big day, strategize with all family members old enough to be in danger of engaging with Uncle Dick.  Come up with a plan for recognizing the start of potential conflict, and for either deflecting – the quick subject change works well, here – or literally walking away.  (“Excuse me; I just remembered something I have to do,” is my go-to.) By talking this stuff through before you need it, you’re letting your family know that no one has to face the relative from Hell alone.  Think of it as team building: you’re Team Rational.

Because we are all products of our childhood experiences, it’s important that there are a few fights you don’t avoid.  I’m thinking specifically of the “ugly things” your husband’s uncle likes to say, and how you respond to them in front of your kids.  If Uncle Richard is talking as if he’s about to don either a white sheet or a swastika, you need to speak up immediately.  The magic word is “unacceptable.”  As in, “Uncle Richard, that’s enough.  That talk is unacceptable.”  You’re not inviting him to discuss his bigotry further, you’re putting your foot down. If he persists, let him know he’s free to leave.  If he takes you up on that…problem solved!

If all else fails, of course, I’ll be your alibi if you’ll be mine.

Happy holidays,

       Philip