The Past-Due Present, and the Texting Teen

Dear Philip,

My friend from college recently made a snide remark about the fact that I never sent her a wedding present, even though the wedding was almost ten years ago, when I had just started working and didn’t have any money.  I know I should have made some token effort, but I was seriously broke at the time, and already had to pay for the bridesmaid’s dress.

I can’t believe she has been harboring this for so long, and can’t just be direct about it.  Should I say something to her, or let her comment drop?

Moved On, Already

Dear Moved,

Don’t say a word.  Send her a present, already.  Seriously.

Let me see if I get this straight. You’re asking whether or not you should confront her for reminding you of a pretty serious lapse in manners?  I’ll grant you that snide comments are not the best form of communication, but they’re often a very telling form, and rather than be insulted you might want to pay attention to the message: she expected better from someone with whom she felt close enough to include in her wedding party.  Even after a decade, she remembers the upset.

So fix it.  Pick out something thoughtful, and send it with a direct and apologetic note.  Try, “I should have sent this years ago.  You had such a lovely wedding, and I was so honored to be a part of it.”  Don’t make mention of the comment that led you to finally send a gift, and certainly don’t berate her for it or try a snide retort of your own.  Simply acknowledge the belatedness of the gift.  Practice humility.

It’s amazing how liberating it can be to say, without defensiveness or resentment, ‘I was wrong and I apologize.’  Your friend will be touched, and maybe a little embarrassed.  Don’t let her be: if she tries to tell you that her comment wasn’t meant to result in a gift, let her off the hook.  Tell her that you’d always felt funny that you hadn’t sent a present when you finally had the means.

Miss Manners will tell you it’s proper to send a wedding present within a year, but I say there’s no statute of limitation on a heartfelt, giftwrapped apology.

Oh, and picture frames are always nice,

Philip

Dear Philip,

Help!  My daughter texts at dinner, whether we’re at home or out.  She texts when I’m driving her somewhere.  She texts when she’s hanging out with her friends.  I had to ask her to turn her phone off at the movies, last week. 

Even though she says she can’t understand how I’m distracted by her (silently) typing to others, it bugs me to no end.  Should I just accept this because it’s what everyone seems to do, now?

Disconnected

Dear Disconnected,

Forgive me, did you say something?  I was too busy LOLing to pay attention.  Or was that ROFLing?  IDK, TTYL.

See how incredibly dated I seem, making those jokes?  That’s because I’m an adult, Dis. Spending large amounts of time thumb-typing silly acronyms about absolutely nothing of importance is for kids, not their parents.

And you’re a parent, right?  You did refer to the subject of your letter as your daughter, so I’m assuming you take some responsibility for raising her.  Here’s a great place to start: ‘Put the phone away.’  Use that phrase often, and don’t precede it with ‘Please.’

Just because we didn’t grow up with the technology doesn’t mean we can’t recognize rude: holding an electronic conversation with someone else while at the dinner table – or worse, at a restaurant – is no more acceptable than talking on the phone in those situations…so why do you accept it?  Set boundaries; teach manners.  Declare your table a phone and text-free zone, and maybe your car, too.

And definitely the movie theater…because if her local advice columnist has to put up with one more bright, tiny screen in front of him during a flick, she might find out how badly cell phones do when dunked in 64-ounce Diet Cokes.

L8R,

Philip

The Dithering Boyfriend, and the Not-So-Happy Hour

Dear Mr. Van Munching,

I am going to be a senior in high school next month.  My boyfriend told me that he is not sure if he wants to date me anymore. He hasn’t officially broken up with me and says he wants to think about it for awhile.

He says that he’s sorry that I’m so upset, but he doesn’t know if it’s a good idea to be with someone when we’re just going to have to break up when we go to college.  Do you think he’s right, or is it stupid to break up now?

Waiting

Dear Waiting,

Your boyfriend is absolutely, positively right to be so cautious: why date someone when you might have to break up for college?  And then why have a relationship when you’re actually in college, and you might end up in different cities after?  Come to think of it, it’s also not smart to be with anyone during the first year or two of your career, because people transfer.

Tell him from me that it’s just not safe to date until you’re in your late 20s.  Or you have a mortgage.  That’s a good sign you’re staying put.  Probably.

Sarcasm aside, the answer to your question is still no, it’s not stupid to break up now.  That’s now, as in don’t wait for him to decide your fate: leave the boy at the curb, and drive on.

My question, Waiting, is why would you want to be with someone who’s so indecisive about being with you?  I’ll paraphrase the goofy quote someone posted on Facebook recently: ‘If you want to leave me, I won’t block the door…I’ll hold it open for you.’  (It was funnier with a strategic curse word.  Everyone but my editor thought so.)

At best, your boyfriend is taking you for granted.  He’s sure you’ll wait around while he decides if your relationship is worth continuing.  He’s also shown that he’s not serious enough about dating you to risk anything, which is really wimpy considering the worst thing that could happen is that you break up…just like tens of thousands of other college-bound people do every fall.

Of course, not everyone in your shoes breaks up when high school ends.  Some couples last for a while into college.  Some longer.  Some end up together for life, and though they may pretend to be annoyed by the moniker, secretly love it when they hear people describe them as “high school sweethearts.”

You know what the vast majority of the people in those sturdy relationships have in common, Waiting?  They work hard at them.  They treat each other with respect.  They may even have broken up and gotten back together somewhere along the line, but they sure don’t whine about ‘not being certain’ they want to be with their mate.

So don’t wait around while your boyfriend decides your fate.  Cut him loose.  Breaking up doesn’t mean that you’ll never work it out and maybe date him again.  It just means that if you do, it’ll be on equal footing.  In the meantime, find someone who isn’t wishy-washy about you. 

A girl with the manners to address her local advice columnist as “Mr.” deserves nothing less.

Mr. VM

Dear Philip:

My coworkers often have “happy hour” in the office.  I am sober and do not drink.  They never think to buy non-alcoholic beverages for me.  They know I don’t drink – it’s a small office.  Should I say something, or just deal?

Fed Up.

Dear Fed:

You know why your coworkers drink?  To numb themselves from the sting of their own selfishness.  (Heh heh.)

Of course you should say something.  Try some version of the following to the person tasked with buying supplies for the next office shindig:  “I'd love it if you brought back a Diet Coke/Ginger Ale/(whatever you drink), along with the stuff you're getting for happy hour.”  That’s a perfectly reasonable request…and if the person responds in any way that isn't “No problem!,” explain calmly that you feel left out.  

Raising my soda in solidarity,

Philip

Our Grandson, the Pawn

Dear Philip,

My daughter-in-law is not letting us see our first grandchild more than once in a great while.  She and my son live just a town away, and her parents get to see and babysit the boy quite often.  She was wonderful to us when she and our son were dating and first married, but has become very cold and demanding since her son was born.

My husband and I tiptoe around her in the hope that she’ll bring him over more often and possibly let us spend a day with him, but so far his visits are short and she makes a point of never letting him out of her arms for long.  She makes it clear that we need to dance to her tune in order to see him at all.  We’re devastated that we will be near-strangers to him.  Our son makes excuses for her, and we’re afraid if we push him, she’ll have an excuse to never let us see their baby.  What can we do?

Crushed and Confused

Dear Crushed,

Babies can be so difficult…especially when they have children.

And that’s the last even minor attempt at humor I’ll make in answering you, because your letter is heartbreaking.  (And much longer: I’ve edited for space, and so that this column’s readers won’t take up pitchforks and demand your daughter-in-law’s address.)  You and your husband don’t deserve this treatment.  Nobody does.

In reading your full story, it’s clear that your son’s wife has a personality that’s equal parts entitlement and resentment; she, like most narcissists, is also deeply insecure.  She’s also angry.  That personality is a minefield, which – if it isn’t already – will soon become perilous ground for your son, and eventually for your grandson.  Kids have a funny way of growing up and testing their parents.  She’ll fail.

It’s heartbreaking that she’s casually denying you one of the basic joys in life for any parent; the chance to bond with the child of your child.  What she’s doing to her child is worse.  Getting to know our grandparents happens when our personalities form; the feelings that we have about family are forged in those first years…and what she’s teaching your grandson is that family ties are disposable and that it’s okay to play favorites.

That’s the bad news.  The good news is that she’s also a bully, and bullies have a way of backing down in the face of superior strength.  She has the baby, but you have maturity: it’s time to challenge her as calmly as you’re able.  It’s also time to let your son know that this is his problem, as well.

Actually, let’s talk about your son, for a moment.  He’s not making excuses for his wife in her bizarre struggle with you, he’s cultivating you and your husband as emotional allies.  On some level he’s likely not even aware of, he’s already afraid of her…and as long as you are, too, he doesn’t feel so alone.  Or cowardly.

Don’t be his ally, or her toady.  Sit them down and tell them – directly – how you feel.  Tell them both how much you’ve looked forward to having grandchildren, and how confusing and upsetting it is that you’re not given much in the way of access to their son.  The important part is to keep the conversation about you and your feelings; don’t wonder aloud about her motives, because she can disagree with your assessment, and use that to pump up her self-righteousness…and to deepen the divide between you and your son.  Stick to “this is painful, and we don’t understand.”

And then, when your son circles back to make excuses for her, don’t let him.  Keep up the calm “this is painful, and we don’t understand” narrative.  You may not want to middle him, but he’s already in the middle, and needs to be uncomfortable enough to stand up to his wife.  Clear expressions of your pain will be a lot more effective than either continuing to suck it up or finally (and understandably) losing your temper.

Yours in patience,

Philip