The Fine Art of Training Your Mom

Dear Philip:

I would love to tell you that this letter is about my mother-in-law, but it’s my own mother that is driving my husband and me crazy.  She comes to our house and says inappropriate things to our kids, who are only 8 and 10.  Then she complains to the kids that they have not called her enough and accuses them of liking their other grandmother better.  My father is no help, because he just sits there and lets her go on.  My husband finds excuses to be in another room, and I feel like I have to deal with her all alone.  Help!

Stuck in the Middle

Dear Stuck,

I’ll give you this: you’ve semi-correctly named yourself.  You are indeed stuck…but not in the middle!  Look, this is happening in your house, to your kids.  You’re the boss, and your kids obviously need you to look out for them, so step up.  Here’s how you do it:  next time your mom starts in on any topic that you feel is inappropriate for your kids, you interrupt her.  Kindly.  “Excuse me, mom?  I need to speak with you for a second.”  Then get up, and lead her into another room.  Don’t let her try to keep you where the kids are; just walk.  (Notice this is not unlike how you handle children?  That’s the point.)

Once you’ve gotten her out of the kids’ earshot, tell her that what she is saying to the kids is inappropriate, and that if she can’t refrain from saying things like it, you’ll have to have her visit another time.  You’ve just practiced a kinder way of saying, “Toe the line, or leave.”  When she tries to argue, cut her off:  your house, your kids, your rules.  Chances are pretty good she’ll be indignant, and she may even leave in a huff.  That’s fine.  Chances are also good that she’ll do it again, next time you allow her into your house, just to show you that she’s boss.  So repeat the process, and kindly kick her out again.  That’s how puppy training works; firm correction with repetition…until you’re eventually left with a lap dog.

It’s confusing for kids to be pulled into adult stuff, or to be shamed by a relative for not “loving me enough.”  It’s your job to protect them from that confusion and shame, and that job supersedes your mom’s feelings.  And besides, her insecurities are self-fulfilling: because she berates your kids for loving your husband’s mom more…they probably will feel more comfortable around your mother-in-law, if they don’t already.  So think of this as doing your mom a favor, because your stepping in and removing her when she’s becoming upsetting to your kids will make them dread her visits less.

Oh, and go easy on your husband: he’d be more than happy to tell your mom off – he probably has pretty elaborate fantasies along those lines – but he’s worried about saying the wrong thing and hurting your feelings.  (Not that I’m writing from experience.  At all.)

Hang tough,

Philip 

Dear Philip,

My dad is a Red Sox fan and my boyfriend is a Yankees fan.  What should I do?

Torn

Dear Torn,

Gosh: having to dump an otherwise perfectly good boyfriend is hard…but you have to pay attention to signs of mental instability. In fairness, we are all young and foolish once, and in those years we often do things we’re not proud of.  Like wear skinny jeans.  Or root for the Yankees.  Sure, they’re having a much better year, and Jeter’s one of the best players ever to pick up a glove, but…Fenway is a temple.  Ellsbury is a god.  (Not the God, as Bill Murray would say, but a god.)  Sox fans are known to be of superior intelligence, unfailingly virtuous, and incredibly attractive.  Clearly, only people with some diminished capacity would root against the Red Sox.

So you know what?  Don’t dump your boyfriend.  Find it in your heart to help him.

In Papi we trust,

Philip

Hit "Reply" in Haste, Repent at Leisure

Welcome, kind reader.  After years of doling out amateur advice, I've finally turned pro: here's my first column for the Darien Times.  Thanks for visiting my blog, and if you're so inclined, check back every few weeks for the next exciting installment...

Dear Philip:

I got an email this morning from my Aunt Jackie.  All that was in the email was a link to a story about a “volunteer award” given to another woman named Jackie, a woman I coincidentally know.  I hit the reply button, and told my aunt how funny it was she would send me this link, as I knew the other Jackie from years back, and added that it was ironic she won an award for helping strangers, considering what a terrible job she had done with her own kids.

You can probably guess where this is going.  It turns out that I saw the word “Jackie” in the address line and assumed it was from my aunt, when it in fact was from the award recipient – the person I subsequently called a bad mother –and so my reply went right to the inbox of the woman I made fun of.  I’m not really friends with this woman, but I’m sick to my stomach that I sent such a hurtful email.  Is there anything I can do?

Thank you,

Ashamed

Dear Ashamed:

Is there anything you can do?  Of course:  Go over to the Jackie-whom-you-hurt’s house immediately, invite yourself in under some pretense, ask if you can use her computer, and erase…wait, that was the plot of a Modern Family episode. I love that show.  Do you?  I suggest you watch it, in the hopes that it will take your mind off what an awful thing you did to this woman.  Because my real answer is yes, there’s something you can do, but you’re not going to like it.

If you haven’t already, write another email to the woman you insulted.  Don’t try to pass off what you wrote as a joke – most of us see through the “I was kidding!” defense by the time we’re 13 – and instead apologize without reservation.  Tell her that you’re guilty not only of being hurtful, but of the worst form of gossip, because you’d obviously intended to trash her to someone else.  Explain that you know this was wrong, and you’re ashamed.  You didn’t tell me why you think she’s a bad mother…and I strongly suggest you don’t tell her that, either.  That will come off as if you’re trying to defend yourself, and we’re way past self-defense, here.  Focus instead on the fact that what you did was unkind and careless, and that the purpose of this second email is to say that you’re deeply sorry.

Now, having apologized thoroughly, do one more thing:  learn.  Take that shame you feel and recognize it as the cost of hurting someone else…even someone you don’t care for.  Learn also that the “reply” button is often not your friend.  And that the pesky “forward” button can get you in deep doo-doo, too.  I speak from experience.

Type carefully,

Philip 

Dear Philip,

I did a favor for a colleague and he thanked me with what I have found out is a VERY expensive bottle of wine.  My problem is that I don’t like wine.  He has already asked me once if I enjoyed it, and I told him I was saving it for a special occasion.  That seemed to annoy him, and he told me to let him know after I’d drunk it how I liked it.  Now I feel like it’s hanging over my head!  Can I just lie and tell him it was great?  Also, can I re-gift the wine?

From,

Beer Lover

Dear Beer Lover,

First, of course you can lie:  this would be considered a little white lie.  (Or, you know, a red one.)  His wine was life-changing and euphoric; it cured your back problems and made the angels weep.  I mean, clearly your colleague needs to hear this kind of stuff, because why else would he have been so obnoxious as to press you on how you liked his present?  So tell him how great it was…and then go ahead and re-gift it.  Just make sure to re-gift it to someone that doesn’t cross paths with your colleague: for instance, how about your local advice columnist?

Cheers!

Philip