Dear
Philip,
Is spanking a child okay? My father and I just
had an argument about it when my son was behaving badly during my parents’
visit and I put him in a time-out. My father thinks I’m too politically correct
and says that since the infrequent spankings I received as a child don’t seem
to have “ruined” me, I should consider using corporal punishment with both my
kids.
My wife disagrees, and thinks my father is
awful for even suggesting it. Is she right?
Sparing the Rod
Dear Sparing,
Your dad certainly
has an interesting way of measuring success: spanking didn’t ruin you, so you
should ignore the reams of evidence that it’s a bad idea (and not particularly
effective), and go ahead and strike your child.
I know, I know: I
just used the word “strike,” and approximately half my readership rolled its
collective eyes, certain that I’m being as politically correct as your father
thinks you’re being. Actually, though, I’m just being precise in my language.
Spanking is the use of a hand to strike a child in order to inflict pain,
generally as a form of punishment for something that probably doesn’t rise to
the level of felony. Spanking is a parent’s way of saying, “Step out of line,
kid, and I will physically hurt you.”
Which is not
something your father would likely be comfortable admitting, or even realizing.
Let’s let him off the hook from this standpoint: your father spanked you, so
it’s a safe bet that he was spanked, as were his folks. It’s what he knows, and
it was something he learned from people who loved him. To see spanking as
potentially harmful is to admit that his parents might have harmed him…and that
he might have harmed you. He sees your rejection of spanking as an accusation.
If he lets on that
he’s feeling accused, gently let him know that if he practiced spanking the way
most parents have – rarely and not-very-firmly – it’s perfectly acceptable for
him to plead ignorance. Until recently, we didn’t really know any better.
Now we do. Plenty
of recent studies find a direct link between spanking and aggressive behavior
in school (and later in life). That link makes a whole lot of sense when you
consider that taking a hand to a child teaches nothing so much as the idea that
getting physical is a perfectly acceptable way to solve problems.
The irony, of
course, is that parents don’t really use spanking to solve problems. They use
it because they’re angry. Maybe because they’ve been defied, or they’re scared.
There’s an important distinction between consequence and punishment, and that’s
passion: a parent who can calmly put a child in a time-out or take away a
privilege stands a much better chance of teaching that child than a parent who
loses it and starts swinging. And honestly, wouldn’t you rather your child fear
a loss of privilege and not you?
Actual parenting –
coming up with consequences that can be explained to your child before they
need to be employed, and then employing them firmly – is hard. It takes thought
and planning. Spanking is quick and easy, and can make the one doing the
spanking feel better right away: My kid
acted up, and I sure taught him a lesson!
But parenting is
not about making the parent feel better, it’s about helping a child grow into a
secure, healthy person with a set of values. It’s about being the adult in the
relationship even when – maybe especially when – both sides could use a breather.
The lack of passion that comes in a time-out, or the removal of a toy, gives a
son or daughter the space to actually think about whatever rule it is that
they’ve broken. Pain makes thinking a bit more difficult: it’s hard to be
contrite when you’re too busy being afraid of the person that’s supposed to
protect you.
Your father taught you to spank, Sparing, but
I’m guessing he also taught you to learn: now that you have access to
information that he didn’t have, honor your dad by using that knowledge.
Yours in using our
words,
Philip
