Getting each other through a parent's illness

(This was a viewer question that I answered as part of the Good Morning America"Advice Guru" search.)

Dear GMA,

My father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer back in June and it has caused a lot of stress and heartache for my family as well as my marriage. My husband has been a tremendous support for me, but he has admitted several times that this situation has put a lot of stress on him and our relationship because he constantly is worried about me and my well-being as well as my parents. The last thing I want is for him to be stressed about this as well. How do I better support him and strengthen our marriage during this trying time? He supports me so much and I want to do the same, to the best of my ability.

Karin, Alexandria, VA

Dear Karin,

Let’s say this for cancer: it’s certainly a full-service illness.  Not only is it stealing your father’s good health, it’s robbing your entire family of sleep, of routine…and quite possibly of joy and optimism.  From your letter, I’m going to guess it’s doing a number on your intimacy, too.  And what does cancer give you in exchange for all the stuff it’s taken?  Fear.  Stress.  Uncertainty.

I’m so sorry for all that your family is going through…and I understand your husband’s stress.  A few years back, my father-in-law passed away after months on a medical rollercoaster of small improvements followed by devastating setbacks.  I stood by Christina as best as I was able…though at first I must admit I felt completely helpless and incapable.  “What can I do?” is such an inadequate question!  Because her answer was usually “Nothing,” I started to feel a little estranged: I was supposed to be the one to help her and it felt like she wasn’t letting me.  She saw my stress, but obviously had no energy to help me, either.  So we both felt anxious...and we both felt guilty.

Until we stopped asking each other “What can I do?,” and replaced the question with a much more important one: “How do you feel?”  Once Christina felt free to tell me how angry and scared she was, I was able to stop worrying that I was somehow the cause of those feelings.  I began to see things I could do to help…little things that would never occur to her to ask for.  I took the kids out when she needed peace, and I made some of the phone calls I knew would stress her out.  Little stuff like that; little stuff that made her feel loved and cared for.  There were times she did exactly the same things for me.  We began to seek each other out for solace, rather than seeing each other as just another source of stress.

You and your husband have spoken about this stuff, a little.  When you’re up to it, have another conversation: tell him what you told me in your letter.  Tell him how much you feel supported by him, and tell him you realize how hard your dad’s illness is on him, too.  Then let him know that the act of listening to you – to your fears, to your sadness – is the absolute best help he can give…and make sure he knows you’re ready to give that help right back.  That you’re thinking so much about him at a time of such anxiety for you is all the proof you need that you’ll get through this, Karin.

Best,

Philip

(Reprinted with the kind permission of Good Morning America.)

Get out of the kitchen...and back to the party

(This was a viewer question that I answered as part of the Good Morning America"Advice Guru" search.)

Dear GMA,

I am 74 years old. I always make a large dinner for Christmas and bake a lot of cookies and goodies. Now it is getting a little bit "much" for me and I feel guilty if I don't do it. Is there a way I can make the family happy without making myself sick? I hate the guilt feeling!

Lenora, Sleepy Meadow, CT

Dear Lenora,

Wow: for a moment I thought you were my mom!  (Connecticut, 70s, baking up a Christmas storm, fully familiar with the concept of guilt: you can see how I’d be confused, right?)  And then I realized that you can’t be, because my lovely, wonderful mom licked this same problem some time ago…and helped all eight of her kids in the process.

See, the problem you’re dealing with ought to have it’s own, “Lion King”-inspired theme song: It’s the Circle of Guilt.  You’re worried that you’ll feel guilty if you stop with all of your Herculean annual efforts.  But you know what?  Those efforts more than likely inspire guilt in your family – Mom does too much! – and the way that they deal with that guilt is by praising your hard work to the heavens, and that praise makes you feel like if you stopped, they’d be upset.  So you do too much, they feel bad, and the circle goes ’round and ’round.

So hop out of that circle, like my mom did a few Christmases back.  Tell each one of your kids – and any other family members or friends who are coming over – that you’ve been thinking about it, and you realize that you’ve busied yourself so much with cooking and baking each year that you haven’t been able to enjoy their company as much as you’d like.  Ask them if they’d be willing to help by bringing something with them to your Christmas dinner.  Have an answer to “what can I bring?” handy for each one…because they will indeed ask it.  (This year, I’ve been asked to bring sushi.  We’re a wonderfully eclectic Christmas bunch, us Van Munchings.)

In this one simple conversation, you’ll reduce your holiday workload (and stress), you’ll lessen the guilt they feel over all you usually do, and – by explaining that you want to actually be with them on Christmas, and not buried in the kitchen – you’ll be telling them, yet again, that you love them.  Which, when you think about it, is the greatest Christmas present of all.

Merry Christmas!

Philip

(Reprinted with the kind permission of Good Morning America.  To read it as originally posted on the GMA website, click here.)

Living together (without growing apart)

(This was a viewer question that I answered as part of the Good Morning America"Advice Guru" search.)

Dear GMA,

My fiance and I dated for seven years and we're getting married in March. We've lived in different states for the past four years and are excited to be soon living together. What's the best way to make sure we don't take our time together for granted and what challenges should we look out for as we readjust to being together all the time?

Tara, Mt. Pleasant, SC

Dear Tara,

Congratulations!  And not just on the wedding: congratulations also for being smart enough to realize that a successful marriage will take some effort…and for being so eager to do that work.

Here’s the problem most folks face in the first weeks and months after they’ve said “I do”:  to borrow the title of an old Winona Ryder movie, reality bites.  When you were first with your fiancé, he was perfect!  He was exactly everything you’d always wanted in a partner, and he’ll likely stay that way until, oh, a few months into living together as husband and wife.  Then, that shining armor will start to rust.  He’ll do stuff that bugs you.  He might not be as attentive, or as willing (or able) to read your mood.  You might find that he has moods that you’ve never seen before.  You’ll think, “Wait: where’s Mr. Right?”  The thing is, Mr. Right is still right in front of you.  He’s exactly the same guy you married, and all that’s changed is that your fantasy of him is having a hard time surviving in the same space as the real guy.

So what do you do?  Basically – and you’ve already done this – you realize that great relationships take work.  So communicate: tell each other about the little stuff that bugs you before it has the chance to become the BIG stuff that bugs you.  Also, make an effort to learn each other’s hotspots…you know, those things that can be counted on to set each one of you off.  (Constantly being late, being talked to like a child, etc.) Once you’ve found those hotspots, avoid them whenever you can: consider them the minefield…and stay out of that minefield, even when you’re angry.  It’s also a terrific idea to start easing off the word “me” when you think about life’s bigger decisions, and instead, break out a few new pronouns: “we” and “us.”  As in, how should we approach this, and what would be best for us? 

You asked about how to make sure you don’t take your time together for granted, and I think the answer lies in the old cliché: marriage is a marathon, not a sprint.  In other words, accept that not every moment is all that important…or certainly all that exciting.  Instead, focus on the moments that make all of your effort – and even your occasional disappointments – worth it.  After 21 years of marriage, I’ve come to realize that one trick to a successful marriage is to spot those moments, and to understand that the things that strengthen our bond are beautiful and miraculous, and deserve to be treasured.  Another trick, of course, is foot rubs.

Best,

Philip

(Reprinted with the kind permission of Good Morning America. To read it as originally posted on the GMA website, click here.)

The Co-Worker's New Clothes

(This was a viewer question that I answered as part of the Good Morning America "Advice Guru" search.)

Dear GMA,

How do I tell my best girlfriend that the ton of makeup and skin tight clothes designed for teenage girls makes her a laughing stock at the office and not hurt her feelings? She is a very attractive 49 year old lady but her appearance makes it hard for our co-workers to take her seriously.”

Sherema, Orange Park, FL

Dear Sherema,

How do you tell someone she’s a laughingstock and NOT hurt her feelings?  Sherema, if you figure that one out, I’d encourage you to immediately start on a cure for cancer and a solution to the Kennedy assassination, because you’d be a miracle worker.  (Sorry; couldn’t resist.)  Actually, I think there are two approaches to this, the first being the dropping-hints-the-size-of-minivans approach.  For instance, you might invite her over and switch on any TV show that has a title starting with “The Real Housewives of…”  While watching, you can point out how ridiculous at least half of the regulars make themselves look by trying to offset their Botox with Juicy Couture.  Of course, the problem with this approach is that she might laugh right along with you…and never realize that she looks just as silly when she’s at the office.

Better to go (mostly!) directly at the issue.  Do it someplace away from the office, when you’re having a relaxed conversation.  And don’t – repeat: don’t – set up the subject with any version of, “If you thought I was doing something wrong, I’d want you to tell me,” or, “I want to tell you something, but I don’t want you to be mad.”  Either of those would likely get her so revved up going in that she wouldn’t be able to hear what you have to say.  Instead, find another way into the subject.  Maybe something like this:  “You know, I was looking at the website for this great charity I read about; it’s called ‘Dress for Success,’ and what they do is help disadvantaged women get – and keep – jobs.  One of the ways they do that is by providing business suits and other clothes that help them look as professional as they can.  I guess the thinking behind it is that, in a working world that can be very judgmental toward women, we have to do everything we can to be taken seriously.  That made me think of you, because I notice that you dress very young and very casually, and I wonder if you’re doing yourself a disservice without realizing it.”  Now is the time, Sherema, when you can put a little disclaimer on what you’re telling her: “I hope I’m not out of line by saying that.”  If she says you are, back off.  You’ve planted the seed, and often, that’s the best you can do.  But notice how you did it without mentioning the word “laughingstock,” or making her feel like others are judging her?

If she lets you go on, you might tell her just how attractive you think she is…and that you think she’d still be a real knockout in business clothes and more subtle makeup.  Either way, have the conversation once, and let it go.  Believe me, she’ll start to be more aware of how others are perceiving her at the office.

Best,

Philip

(Reprinted with the kind permission of Good Morning America.  To read this as originally posted on the GMA website, click here.)