Dear GMA,
I am 74 years old. I always make a large dinner for Christmas and bake a lot of cookies and goodies. Now it is getting a little bit "much" for me and I feel guilty if I don't do it. Is there a way I can make the family happy without making myself sick? I hate the guilt feeling!
Lenora, Sleepy Meadow, CT
Dear Lenora,
Wow: for a moment I thought you were my mom! (Connecticut, 70s, baking up a Christmas storm, fully familiar with the concept of guilt: you can see how I’d be confused, right?) And then I realized that you can’t be, because my lovely, wonderful mom licked this same problem some time ago…and helped all eight of her kids in the process.
See, the problem you’re dealing with ought to have it’s own, “Lion King”-inspired theme song: It’s the Circle of Guilt. You’re worried that you’ll feel guilty if you stop with all of your Herculean annual efforts. But you know what? Those efforts more than likely inspire guilt in your family – Mom does too much! – and the way that they deal with that guilt is by praising your hard work to the heavens, and that praise makes you feel like if you stopped, they’d be upset. So you do too much, they feel bad, and the circle goes ’round and ’round.
So hop out of that circle, like my mom did a few Christmases back. Tell each one of your kids – and any other family members or friends who are coming over – that you’ve been thinking about it, and you realize that you’ve busied yourself so much with cooking and baking each year that you haven’t been able to enjoy their company as much as you’d like. Ask them if they’d be willing to help by bringing something with them to your Christmas dinner. Have an answer to “what can I bring?” handy for each one…because they will indeed ask it. (This year, I’ve been asked to bring sushi. We’re a wonderfully eclectic Christmas bunch, us Van Munchings.)
In this one simple conversation, you’ll reduce your holiday workload (and stress), you’ll lessen the guilt they feel over all you usually do, and – by explaining that you want to actually be with them on Christmas, and not buried in the kitchen – you’ll be telling them, yet again, that you love them. Which, when you think about it, is the greatest Christmas present of all.
Merry Christmas!
Philip
(Reprinted with the kind permission of Good Morning America. To read it as originally posted on the GMA website, click here.)
(Reprinted with the kind permission of Good Morning America. To read it as originally posted on the GMA website, click here.)
