(This was a viewer question that I answered as part of the Good Morning America"Advice Guru" search.)
Dear GMA,
My father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer back in June and it has caused a lot of stress and heartache for my family as well as my marriage. My husband has been a tremendous support for me, but he has admitted several times that this situation has put a lot of stress on him and our relationship because he constantly is worried about me and my well-being as well as my parents. The last thing I want is for him to be stressed about this as well. How do I better support him and strengthen our marriage during this trying time? He supports me so much and I want to do the same, to the best of my ability.
Karin, Alexandria, VA
Dear Karin,
Let’s say this for cancer: it’s certainly a full-service illness. Not only is it stealing your father’s good health, it’s robbing your entire family of sleep, of routine…and quite possibly of joy and optimism. From your letter, I’m going to guess it’s doing a number on your intimacy, too. And what does cancer give you in exchange for all the stuff it’s taken? Fear. Stress. Uncertainty.
I’m so sorry for all that your family is going through…and I understand your husband’s stress. A few years back, my father-in-law passed away after months on a medical rollercoaster of small improvements followed by devastating setbacks. I stood by Christina as best as I was able…though at first I must admit I felt completely helpless and incapable. “What can I do?” is such an inadequate question! Because her answer was usually “Nothing,” I started to feel a little estranged: I was supposed to be the one to help her and it felt like she wasn’t letting me. She saw my stress, but obviously had no energy to help me, either. So we both felt anxious...and we both felt guilty.
Until we stopped asking each other “What can I do?,” and replaced the question with a much more important one: “How do you feel?” Once Christina felt free to tell me how angry and scared she was, I was able to stop worrying that I was somehow the cause of those feelings. I began to see things I could do to help…little things that would never occur to her to ask for. I took the kids out when she needed peace, and I made some of the phone calls I knew would stress her out. Little stuff like that; little stuff that made her feel loved and cared for. There were times she did exactly the same things for me. We began to seek each other out for solace, rather than seeing each other as just another source of stress.
You and your husband have spoken about this stuff, a little. When you’re up to it, have another conversation: tell him what you told me in your letter. Tell him how much you feel supported by him, and tell him you realize how hard your dad’s illness is on him, too. Then let him know that the act of listening to you – to your fears, to your sadness – is the absolute best help he can give…and make sure he knows you’re ready to give that help right back. That you’re thinking so much about him at a time of such anxiety for you is all the proof you need that you’ll get through this, Karin.
Best,
Philip
(Reprinted with the kind permission of Good Morning America.)
(Reprinted with the kind permission of Good Morning America.)
