When Parents Get Left in the Cold

Dear Philip,

Our son, his wife, and their delightful two-year-old daughter live an hour away. While we see them over the holidays and infrequently throughout the rest of the year, we have never once actually been invited to their home. We have to ask to go see them and while they don’t say no, they also don’t make any effort; we have short, perfunctory visits.

When we suggest it would be nice to be invited, our son says that his in-laws just flow in and out, and we’re pressuring him by being old-fashioned. We feel that when someone never invites you, it’s a good indication they don’t want to see you. This has gone on since they first got married, and frankly, we feel like schmucks. My husband says we should just stop extending invitations. I agree in theory, but don’t want the reality of a stand-off. What do we do?

Feeling Unwanted

Dear Feeling:

Please tell your husband that I’m a hundred and ten percent with him. Which makes your husband and I at least a hundred and two percent wrong.

I’m saving that other eight percent to cover the very understandable feeling you both have of being disrespected, because that’s what this is: Your son is disrespecting you, and compounding it by being defensive and blaming you for his thoughtlessness.  (“Son, this is rude.” “Yeah? Well, you’re old fashioned.”)

You likely believe he wouldn’t treat other people this way, and I believe you’re right. The thing is, you’re not other people, you’re his parents. You’ve spent your son’s entire life building a relationship with him where – for the early years, anyway – you did all the giving, and made all the rules. You gave him unconditional love, three squares a day, a roof and an education, and a pretty good percentage of your earnings.  And you know what you get for that, right?

You get taken for granted.

Now, you’re momentarily feeling better, since I’ve just written what you’ve felt for the past several years. And that’s good; I want you to feel better. But I also want you to have some compassion for the very weirdness of being an adult and a child at the same time; because part of the equation here is that your son honestly doesn’t know how to navigate having any say in his relationship with you. (He’s doing it badly, for the record, but that shouldn’t lessen your compassion.)

It would be wonderful if all of us grew up and expressed nothing but fealty to the folks who raised us. Age should be respected; parents should be appreciated. But we’re all imperfect people, and our resentments and fears and shortcomings cause us to act in ways that, if we could really self-reflect, often wouldn’t make us proud. That makes our relationships with the people that shaped us particularly fraught; sometimes we don’t even understand why we’re in conflict with them in the first place.  (Passive-Aggression: a game the whole family can play!)

Here’s the good news, Feeling: you’re not being cut out. You have access to your wonderful granddaughter, and your son and his family actually show up on the holidays. So invite them. He’s your son. Invite them and be genuinely glad to see them. He’s your son. She’s your granddaughter. Make calls throughout the year to arrange to go to their house, even for short visits. He’s your son. She’s your granddaughter. Their wife/mother is the woman your son has built a life with.

And you? You’re bigger than that understandable impulse to want to be treated fairly.  (So is your husband – and so am I – but we need a little time to stew, first.) Your son will learn, when that delightful granddaughter has a family of her own, that he’s been wrong to take you for granted. We want nothing more than for our children to grow and learn; just look at this as something he’ll learn a little later than you’d hoped.

In the meantime, take comfort in the word you used to describe your granddaughter. Part of the reason she’s “delightful” is that you raised your son to be a good father.

Yours in lifelong parenting,

Philip

The Art of the Unconditional Apology.

Dear Philip,

I have been with my boyfriend since high school, and now we are seniors at separate colleges. Last week, a friend I used to be camp counselors with asked if he could come visit and see the city where my school is. I know Tim isn’t interested in me, romantically, and doesn’t have much money, so I offered to let him stay in my room on a blow-up mattress.

When I told my boyfriend, he got upset and said that while he would never tell me what to do, he feels really weird about me having a boy staying in my room. I’m not sure if I should be mad that he doesn’t trust me, or sorry that I didn’t ask him, first. Anyway, I feel like it’s too late to disinvite Tim. What do I do? 

Well Intentioned

Dear Well:

What do you do? You disinvite Tim.

Also…seriously? Let’s try this one in the other direction: your boyfriend of several years calls and says, “Hey, a girl I used to work with called to say she wants to hang out with me, and oh, by the way, she’s going to sleep in my room.” You’d just instantly be cool with that?

No, you wouldn’t. You’d at least expect the chance to talk it over, which is exactly what you didn’t give your boyfriend. Trust is not the issue, here; comfort is. And your allegiance shouldn’t be to the guy with whom you corralled campers once upon a time, it should be to the guy with whom you’re building a relationship.

When Tim floated the idea of coming to visit, you should have offered to try to help him find a place to stay. If he asked about your room – which, frankly, would’ve been presumptuous – the correct response was that you’re in a relationship and wouldn’t be comfortable with that. Saying “let me check,” would have put unfair pressure on your boyfriend; it sort of makes him the bad guy if he said he’s not crazy about the idea.

Then you should have called your boyfriend, and told him that Tim wants to visit you if he finds a place to stay. Perhaps he’d have said, “Why don’t you just use the blow up mattress and have Tim stay in your room?” (It’s amazing how a respectful approach can solve problems before they even have the chance to start.) At the very least, you should have told your boyfriend that you certainly hadn’t offered yet, but wondered if he’d be okay with Tim staying on your floor to save money. Then you should have gracefully accepted his answer.

Luckily, repairing your mistake is not only easy, it might actually bring you even closer with your boyfriend.

Call Tim. Tell him that upon further reflection, you don’t feel comfortable having one boy stay in your room while you’re dating another. Don’t lay it off on your boyfriend, and don’t leave room for negotiation. Make it clear that if he wants to visit, he’ll need to have another place to stay.

It’s critical that you call Tim first, because when you call your boyfriend, you’re not going to leave any doubt about your intentions, or any wiggle room whereby he can feel like he’s being pressured into saying it’s okay for Tim to stay with you. You’re going to let him know he has every right to feel “weird” about the situation – which you’ve fixed – and that you screwed up by not checking with him, first.

You know what’s rare and wonderful, Well? An apology that comes without the words “I was only…” attached.  Or “I didn’t realize...” A clean apology, like, “I was completely wrong to make you feel weird by offering my place to Tim. I’ve told him that I’m not comfortable with it, and that if he wants to visit, he’ll have to stay elsewhere. In the future, I’ll think this kind of thing through, better.”

My prediction is that your boyfriend will…feel wonderful. Honest apologies, the kind that let the people you love know that you put their feelings first, can have that effect.

Unrepentantly yours,

Philip