Dear
Philip,
I have been with my boyfriend since high
school, and now we are seniors at separate colleges. Last week, a friend I used
to be camp counselors with asked if he could come visit and see the city where
my school is. I know Tim isn’t interested in me, romantically, and doesn’t have
much money, so I offered to let him stay in my room on a blow-up mattress.
When I told my boyfriend, he got upset and said
that while he would never tell me what to do, he feels really weird about me
having a boy staying in my room. I’m not sure if I should be mad that he
doesn’t trust me, or sorry that I didn’t ask him, first. Anyway, I feel like
it’s too late to disinvite Tim. What do I do?
Well Intentioned
Dear Well:
What do you do?
You disinvite Tim.
Also…seriously?
Let’s try this one in the other direction: your boyfriend of several years
calls and says, “Hey, a girl I used to work with called to say she wants to
hang out with me, and oh, by the way, she’s going to sleep in my room.” You’d
just instantly be cool with that?
No, you wouldn’t.
You’d at least expect the chance to talk it over, which is exactly what you
didn’t give your boyfriend. Trust is not the issue, here; comfort is. And your
allegiance shouldn’t be to the guy with whom you corralled campers once upon a
time, it should be to the guy with whom you’re building a relationship.
When Tim floated
the idea of coming to visit, you should have offered to try to help him find a
place to stay. If he asked about your room – which, frankly, would’ve been
presumptuous – the correct response was that you’re in a relationship and
wouldn’t be comfortable with that. Saying “let me check,” would have put unfair
pressure on your boyfriend; it sort of makes him the bad guy if he said he’s
not crazy about the idea.
Then you should
have called your boyfriend, and told him that Tim wants to visit you if he
finds a place to stay. Perhaps he’d have said, “Why don’t you just use the blow
up mattress and have Tim stay in your room?” (It’s amazing how a respectful
approach can solve problems before they even have the chance to start.) At the
very least, you should have told your boyfriend that you certainly hadn’t
offered yet, but wondered if he’d be okay with Tim staying on your floor to
save money. Then you should have gracefully accepted his answer.
Luckily, repairing
your mistake is not only easy, it might actually bring you even closer with
your boyfriend.
Call Tim. Tell him
that upon further reflection, you don’t feel comfortable having one boy stay in
your room while you’re dating another. Don’t lay it off on your boyfriend, and
don’t leave room for negotiation. Make it clear that if he wants to visit,
he’ll need to have another place to stay.
It’s critical that
you call Tim first, because when you call your boyfriend, you’re not going to
leave any doubt about your intentions, or any wiggle room whereby he can feel
like he’s being pressured into saying it’s okay for Tim to stay with you. You’re
going to let him know he has every right to feel “weird” about the situation –
which you’ve fixed – and that you screwed up by not checking with him, first.
You know what’s
rare and wonderful, Well? An apology that comes without the words “I was only…”
attached. Or “I didn’t realize...” A
clean apology, like, “I was completely wrong to make you feel weird by offering
my place to Tim. I’ve told him that I’m not comfortable with it, and that if he
wants to visit, he’ll have to stay elsewhere. In the future, I’ll think this
kind of thing through, better.”
My prediction is
that your boyfriend will…feel wonderful. Honest apologies, the kind that let the
people you love know that you put their feelings first, can have that effect.
Unrepentantly
yours,
Philip
