Dear
Philip,
I am dating a man who is seven years older
than I am. That does not sound like a
lot but right now it feels like it is, because I am 22 and he is 29. He is a great guy and treats me very well,
but I think he is ready to settle down while I have only just gotten out of
college and started working, and am not ready for a serious commitment.
The problem is that he is the best boyfriend
I have ever had, and I am afraid I’ll lose him if I even try dating anyone
else. I have brought up “seeing other
people” with him, and he says that is just an excuse to break up with him. How do I make him see that unless I go on
other dates, I won’t be sure about being with him?
Taking My Time
Dear Taking:
Can’t thank you
enough for providing the fodder for an interesting ‘what if’ game: I’ve spent
the last several minutes imagining what would have happened if I’d tried your
argument out on any of the women I dated…including the woman I went on to
marry. “Uh, honey, you treat me well and
you’re the best girlfriend a fella could have, but I just need to do some
comparison shopping…” Pretty much every way I play out that scenario in my
head, I end up alone. (Or – in the case
of one, uh, passionate ex-girlfriend
– buried somewhere in the swamps of Jersey.)
Here’s the problem with seeing someone considerably
older: you can spend a lot of time playing catch up. When you date a person close to your age, you
tend to experience the same stuff at around the same time. Adjusting to the working world. Getting your own place and paying rent. Dealing with Uncle Sam. The urge to stay out until 3:00 a.m. Some of the strongest relationships form when
people help each other through the things life dishes out. I throw up a little in my mouth every time
some nitwit on The Bachelor talks
about “taking this journey together,” but the logic behind the cliché is
unassailable.
The key phrase
from that last paragraph is “help each other through.” The dynamic is different when one person in a
relationship is always the more experienced, simply because of age. For some people, that works: some want to
lead, some want to be lead.
I’m going to guess
from your letter that you don’t fall into that category, and you’re starting to
chafe because your boyfriend is (not unreasonably) ready for a more permanent
relationship than you might be. I’d
venture that he’s had a few more relationships than you have, and has a better
idea of what he’s looking for.
The problem is
that this is one area where you can’t really play catch up, because it’s naïve
– and possibly hurtful – to believe that you can sort of “try out” other
potential matches by dating around even as you keep one foot in your current
relationship. My question is this: is that willful naiveté, on your part? In other words, are you using “I’m concerned
that I don’t have enough experience” to mask a waning interest in your current
boyfriend?
Before you do
anything, figure that out. If you come to find that you’re just not interested
enough in this guy to keep the relationship going, you’ll get a chance to show
that new-found maturity by letting him go honestly and gracefully.
If, however, you
spend some time soul-searching and come away feeling that he really might be
the right person for you, I have some good news: the age-difference will matter
less as you get older. (Conversely, it
matters a whole lot when you’re younger.
If you were 12 and he were 19, I’d be too busy rounding up a posse to
answer your letter.)
Finding someone
you genuinely love, someone who treats you with respect, is no easy feat. That doesn’t mean that he’s definitely “the
one,” of course; only time will tell you that.
So live up to your name, Taking My Time, and take your time. Commit only when you’re ready. If he’s the right one for you, he’ll wait.
Yours in patience,
Philip
