Dear
Philip:
I would love to tell you that this letter is
about my mother-in-law, but it’s my own mother that is driving my husband and me crazy. She comes to our house and says
inappropriate things to our kids, who are only 8 and 10. Then she complains to the kids that they have
not called her enough and accuses them of liking their other grandmother
better. My father is no help, because he
just sits there and lets her go on. My
husband finds excuses to be in another room, and I feel like I have to deal
with her all alone. Help!
Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck,
I’ll give you
this: you’ve semi-correctly named yourself.
You are indeed stuck…but not in the middle! Look, this is happening in your house, to
your kids. You’re the boss, and your
kids obviously need you to look out for them, so step up. Here’s how you do it: next time your mom starts in on any topic
that you feel is inappropriate for your kids, you interrupt her. Kindly.
“Excuse me, mom? I need to speak
with you for a second.” Then get up, and
lead her into another room. Don’t let
her try to keep you where the kids are; just walk. (Notice this is not unlike how you handle
children? That’s the point.)
Once you’ve gotten
her out of the kids’ earshot, tell her that what she is saying to the kids is
inappropriate, and that if she can’t refrain from saying things like it, you’ll
have to have her visit another time. You’ve
just practiced a kinder way of saying, “Toe the line, or leave.” When she tries to argue, cut her off: your house, your kids, your rules. Chances are pretty good she’ll be indignant,
and she may even leave in a huff. That’s
fine. Chances are also good that she’ll
do it again, next time you allow her into your house, just to show you that
she’s boss. So repeat the process, and
kindly kick her out again. That’s how
puppy training works; firm correction with repetition…until you’re eventually
left with a lap dog.
It’s confusing for
kids to be pulled into adult stuff, or to be shamed by a relative for not
“loving me enough.” It’s your job to
protect them from that confusion and shame, and that job supersedes your mom’s
feelings. And besides, her insecurities
are self-fulfilling: because she berates your kids for loving your husband’s
mom more…they probably will feel more
comfortable around your mother-in-law, if they don’t already. So think of this as doing your mom a favor,
because your stepping in and removing her when she’s becoming upsetting to your
kids will make them dread her visits less.
Oh, and go easy on
your husband: he’d be more than happy to tell your mom off – he probably has
pretty elaborate fantasies along those lines – but he’s worried about saying
the wrong thing and hurting your
feelings. (Not that I’m writing from
experience. At all.)
Hang tough,
Philip
Dear
Philip,
My dad is a Red Sox fan and my boyfriend is
a Yankees fan. What should I do?
Torn
Dear Torn,
Gosh: having to
dump an otherwise perfectly good boyfriend is hard…but you have to pay
attention to signs of mental instability. In fairness, we are all young and foolish
once, and in those years we often do things we’re not proud of. Like wear skinny jeans. Or root for the Yankees. Sure, they’re having a much better year, and
Jeter’s one of the best players ever to pick up a glove, but…Fenway is a
temple. Ellsbury is a god. (Not the
God, as Bill Murray would say, but a
god.) Sox fans are known to be of
superior intelligence, unfailingly virtuous, and incredibly attractive. Clearly, only people with some diminished
capacity would root against the Red Sox.
So you know
what? Don’t dump your boyfriend.
Find it in your heart to help him.
In Papi we trust,
Philip
