Dear
Philip:
My friend has been going through a messy
divorce, and she turns to me for advice all the time. She calls constantly and even shows up at my
house uninvited, always to complain about her split. I feel terrible for her and want to help, but
I’m starting to notice that even after I’m sure I HAVE helped, or at least
gotten her to see things in a way that will make her feel better, she’s back to
her same complaints a few days later.
I’ve also noticed that when I have to cut her off because I have other
things to do, she gets angry and accuses me of not realizing how hard her life
is.
It has gotten to the point where I don’t
know if I’m helping, or if I can take much more of the complaining. Am I a bad friend?
Tired
and Talked Out
Dear Tired,
Divorce is not
unlike smoking: nobody warns us about the dangers of secondhand misery, you
know? It sounds like your friend is sucking
you dry. You’ve tried listening, but
it’s never enough. You’ve expressed your
logical opinions, and found that they never sink in. Talking with her leaves you feeling tired,
stressed, and – let’s be honest – a little angry.
Before figuring
out how to proceed, let’s tackle the two questions you ask in your letter. The first is whether or not you’re helping
your friend, and the answer is yes…but maybe not in the way you’d hoped. You’ve been acting under the false notion that
she wants answers; that your advice will provide some kind of a roadmap out of
the emotional thicket she finds herself in.
You keep hoping that if you just apply enough logic, she’ll get through
the tough stuff. What’s become clear,
though, is that she’s not looking for guidance or logic. Like so many people who’ve struggled through
a divorce, she’s learned to self-sooth by venting. Ironically, the angrier she gets, the better
she (temporarily) feels. Your role in
this ongoing interaction isn’t really to talk – or to interact, frankly –
except for the moments in which you reaffirm her role as victim.
Don’t beat
yourself up about being used this way; I once spent five years listening to a
friend who was convinced her divorce made her The Most Wronged Person in the
History of the World™, even though she ended up with her kids, her health, and
a big pile of dough. What I came to
realize was that the blow to her ego was so enormous – how could anyone leave
ME? –that the way she survived it was to grow her sense of victimhood to the
size of Godzilla…and that if I kept standing in her path, I’d wind up
crushed. Sounds like you’ve got that scaly
green foot poised above your head, right about now.
Your second
question is, “Am I a good friend?” and I’d say you are, because you mean to be
helpful. But now that you realize what’s
overtaking her – enough bitterness and self-regard to destroy a Japanese
metropolis – the way to continue to be her friend is to disengage. Cut way back on the number of her calls that
you answer. Pick up your car keys the next
time she just shows up at your door, and pretend you were just heading out. Listen for only so long, and then politely
change the subject. She may throw a few
fits your way, but eventually she’ll get the point. Which is that surrounding herself with
herself is the best way to end up alone.
You’re not trying
to end the friendship; you’re trying to return it to a state of…actual
friendship. The two-way kind. The kind where you can eventually be direct
enough to say, “I love you, and I can see that this is very hard on you, but
you need to stop letting it take over your life…and our friendship.”
I wish I’d been brave
enough to do that with my former friend.
I might have really helped her.
Hell, I might have saved Tokyo.
Get some rest!
Philip
