Dear
Philip,
My daughter-in-law is not letting us see our
first grandchild more than once in a great while. She and my son live just a town away, and her
parents get to see and babysit the boy quite often. She was wonderful to us when she and our son
were dating and first married, but has become very cold and demanding since her
son was born.
My husband and I tiptoe around her in the
hope that she’ll bring him over more often and possibly let us spend a day with
him, but so far his visits are short and she makes a point of never letting him
out of her arms for long. She makes it
clear that we need to dance to her tune in order to see him at all. We’re devastated that we will be
near-strangers to him. Our son makes
excuses for her, and we’re afraid if we push him, she’ll have an excuse to
never let us see their baby. What can we
do?
Crushed and Confused
Dear Crushed,
Babies can be so
difficult…especially when they have children.
And that’s the
last even minor attempt at humor I’ll make in answering you, because your
letter is heartbreaking. (And much
longer: I’ve edited for space, and so that this column’s readers won’t take up
pitchforks and demand your daughter-in-law’s address.) You and your husband don’t deserve this
treatment. Nobody does.
In reading your
full story, it’s clear that your son’s wife has a personality that’s equal
parts entitlement and resentment; she, like most narcissists, is also deeply
insecure. She’s also angry. That personality is a minefield, which – if
it isn’t already – will soon become perilous ground for your son, and
eventually for your grandson. Kids have
a funny way of growing up and testing their parents. She’ll fail.
It’s heartbreaking
that she’s casually denying you one of the basic joys in life for any parent;
the chance to bond with the child of your child. What she’s doing to her child is worse. Getting to know our grandparents happens when
our personalities form; the feelings that we have about family are forged in
those first years…and what she’s teaching your grandson is that family ties are
disposable and that it’s okay to play favorites.
That’s the bad
news. The good news is that she’s also a
bully, and bullies have a way of backing down in the face of superior
strength. She has the baby, but you have
maturity: it’s time to challenge her as calmly as you’re able. It’s also time to let your son know that this
is his problem, as well.
Actually, let’s
talk about your son, for a moment. He’s
not making excuses for his wife in her bizarre struggle with you, he’s
cultivating you and your husband as emotional allies. On some level he’s likely not even aware of,
he’s already afraid of her…and as long as you are, too, he doesn’t feel so
alone. Or cowardly.
Don’t be his ally,
or her toady. Sit them down and tell
them – directly – how you feel. Tell
them both how much you’ve looked forward to having grandchildren, and how
confusing and upsetting it is that you’re not given much in the way of access
to their son. The important part is to
keep the conversation about you and your feelings; don’t wonder aloud about her
motives, because she can disagree with your assessment, and use that to pump up
her self-righteousness…and to deepen the divide between you and your son. Stick to “this is painful, and we don’t
understand.”
And then, when
your son circles back to make excuses for her, don’t let him. Keep up the calm “this is painful, and we
don’t understand” narrative. You may not
want to middle him, but he’s already in the middle, and needs to be
uncomfortable enough to stand up to his wife.
Clear expressions of your pain will be a lot more effective than either
continuing to suck it up or finally (and understandably) losing your temper.
Yours in patience,
Philip
