Dear
Philip:
I was invited to a Christmas party by a
couple I don’t know very well. I’m
single, and the invitation didn’t say, “bring a date,” so I am worried that
I’ll show up and not know anyone except the hosts. It wouldn’t be right to just show up with
someone, I know, but is it okay to call the hostess and ask if I can bring a
date?
Hoping for a “+1”
Dear Hoping,
It’s not okay to
call and ask for a ‘+1.’ Because if the
answer you get is “no,” you’ve put yourself and the hostess into an awkward
spot. (And you’ve put yourself into a
position where it will be very hard not to sound like a three-year-old. Her: “I’m sorry, but no.” You: “Oh, yeah? Then I’m not coming!”) The way to avoid that awkwardness and still
have a shot at a “+1” is to do a little recon…that is, to see if you can find
out why you might not be allowed to bring a date without actually having to ask
the question.
Before you do
anything, decide whether or not you’d be willing to go solo. You’ll need to have that answer ready,
because you are indeed going to call the hostess, and you’re going to have a
script prepared ahead of time that will make the conversation comfortable for
both of you, and will fit any response you get from her. Ready?
Here goes:
“Hi…I got your
lovely invitation, and I’m so flattered you’d include me. I didn’t want to hold you up, but I had
already made plans with a friend for that night, and I’m not sure yet if I can
change them. Would it be an
inconvenience if I let you know in a few days?”
See the beauty of
that? You’re not putting this woman on
the spot. You’re complimenting her,
thanking her…and giving her the opportunity to respond without feeling
challenged. The thing is, you don’t know
if this is a cars-parked-as-far-as-the-eye-can-see house party, or a sit-down
dinner for eight. If it’s the former,
chances are pretty good the hostess will say, “Bring your friend!” (Problem solved; don’t forget to tip your
local advice columnist.)
If it’s the
latter, though, and this couple has invited you to something much more
intimate, you’ll likely get the chance to find that out before you let your
fear of being in a big group and knowing no one prompt you to decline. If your question causes the hostess to say
some version of, “I’m so sorry, but it’s just a little dinner party, and our
table only seats so many,” then you can accept on the spot, or you can
punt. My advice, being a great fan of
the conversations to be had at small dinner parties, is to say, “Now I’m really
flattered…I’ll definitely wriggle out of my plans. Count me in.”
If you’re still unsure, try this: “I totally understand, and I’ll let
you know within the next day or so, if that’s okay.”
There’s really
only one other response your hostess can have, and that’s an answer that comes
in an information vacuum. If your gambit
about already having plans with a friend elicits an, “Oh, no problem…let me
know what you decide,” then you’ll have to keep the charade up long enough to call
back with your ultimate answer. That
seems complicated, I know, but it still beats putting someone who was kind
enough to invite you to their party on the spot.
Actually, there’s
one other response that you might be met with, which is that the lack of a ‘+1’
was intentional. As you wrote in your
letter, you’re single…and the holidays often bring out the matchmaker in
people. So be ready for that, too. If you’re open to meeting new people, a small
dinner party is really kind of ideal, so say yes. And then say thank you: as a woman who wrote
in a few weeks ago about the ugly side of online dating will tell you, friends
who will fix you up are worth their weight in gold. Or, you know, mistletoe.
Ho-ho-ho!
Philip
