Dear
Philip:
My friend Eve is financially well off, but
never picks up the check when we go out.
She doesn’t offer, and when she’s asked, she insists on paying only her
share, which she calculates ruthlessly. She has no problem letting me or anyone
else pay for her, though.
Ironically, Eve brags about her family’s
money and extensive art collection, and yet is a total cheapskate. This weekend, she let me and a few of my
friends buy rounds, but when it was her turn, she handed the bartender enough
money for her own drink, and then left. Out
of embarrassment, I picked up the rest of what should have been her tab, and
made excuses for her.
How do I get Eve to see how awful this makes
her look?
Feeling Taken Advantage Of
Dear Feeling,
Why on earth do
you assume Eve cares how she looks?
It’s a rookie
mistake, Feeling: because you believe in fairness and sharing and the other
basic tenants of conducting a
friendship that sometimes involves pulling out your wallet, you take for
granted that those beliefs are shared by the folks you call friends.
Eve is indeed a
cheapskate, but she’s also – and this is a technical term – an entitled
jerk. If you’re correct, and she’s
indeed well off (and happy to brag about it), then there’s no excuse for either
stiffing you or embarrassing you in front of your friends. Or dissing you, which is really what she’s
doing.
Friendship is
largely about mutual respect: You don’t speak ill of your friend, you don’t
show up at 7:30 when your friend has been standing outside the movie theater
since 7:00, and you don’t expect your friend to pay for you all the time. It’s not rocket science. It’s also not difficult to spot when someone
takes your friendship – and you – for granted.
At the very least,
stop including Eve when you go out with others, and if she notices and asks
why, explain very calmly that you were embarrassed that she let your friends
pay for her, but didn’t reciprocate.
Directness can work wonders. If
you can’t bring yourself to be direct, then you really need to examine whether
you consider this woman a friend, or someone who’s mildly entertaining to hang
around with…until the check comes. If
she’s the former, the relationship is worth a difficult conversation or
two. Otherwise, cut her loose: it’ll
give you more time to nurture actual friendships.
Since you raise
this specific issue, though, let’s spend a moment going over bill-splitting
etiquette. Because it’s an area I’m
asked about a great deal, I humbly offer the PVM ABCs of haggling over the
check.
A is for alcohol,
as in, if you’ve had a few drinks and your companion hasn’t, offer to pay more
than half of the check. Especially when
there’s wine involved. I’m usually on
the other end of that equation, and I can’t tell you how annoying it is when
someone orders an expensive bottle and doesn’t take into account the price inequity
between a 1982 Lafite-Rothschild and a 2012 Diet Coke. I still usually insist on splitting the bill
down the middle, but a fella likes to be shown common courtesy, you know?
B is for blood…as
in relatives. The generational
picking-up-of-tabs is different in every family. We grow up with our parents paying for
everything, and some parents insist on doing that long into our own
adulthoods. It’s okay to offer in such
situations, but it’s not okay to insist: if your mother and father take paying
as a point of pride, let them. And then
be effusive in your gratitude. I’ve managed
about a 5% success rate in paying for my father’s meals when we’re out, and if
you know my father, you’ll be impressed by that.
C is for
calculators. Don’t use them, and don’t
hang out with people who do. Nothing
screams cheapskate like someone trying to figure out the exact difference in
price between your pasta and their chicken.
Rounding is your friend…
…and clearly, Eve
is not. Dump her, and take an advice
columnist out for a drink, instead.
First round’s on
me!
Philip
