Dear
Philip:
Though most people dread the shopping or the
cooking or the mad dash to see everyone they know, the only thing about the
holidays that fills me with terror is my husband’s uncle. Uncle Richard comes to our house and makes
everyone miserable. He picks fights
about politics, he tries to hurry up Christmas dinner so that he can get back
on the road, he says very ugly things, and he speaks horribly to his wife,
which makes all of us uncomfortable.
Though my husband has put up with him for a
few decades, I’m worried that one of these years they’ll come to blows. Christmas is already stressful enough. How do we deal with horrible Uncle Richard
without ruining the holiday?
Already Stressed
Dear Already,
If you really want
to solve the problem of Uncle Richard, you’ll need four things: plastic
sheeting, a shovel, a large bag of lye, and an alibi.
(On advice of
council, I hereby state that the preceding sentence was a joke. Mostly.)
All of us have
dealt – or are still dealing – with a toxic relative or two at the
holidays. They can turn any family
gathering into the Bataan Death March, making us count the hours until we can
send them on their way, with most of our leftovers (and patience) in tow. Know above all else that you are not alone.
Know also that you
are not completely helpless. Though
there’s no single way to stave off the Monster Who Destroyed Christmas, there
are ways to lessen the damage he does, and there are positives to be taken from
the ordeal he presents. The trick here is
to do some preparation. This involves
anticipating the trouble spots – do they come at the table? after two (or five)
beers? does he have a usual target? – and brainstorming ways of avoiding them. Preparing also involves communicating with
your family well before Uncle Richard shows up.
Chiefly, I’m
thinking about your poor husband. One of
the reasons he wants to punch his uncle every year is that it’s HIS uncle: he’s
embarrassed by his blood relation to the troublemaker. In some way, he feels responsible. So tell him he’s not. Also let him know that you feel for his aunt,
the woman who gets to put up with his uncle’s nonsense not just at the holiday table,
but all year long. After all, she’s the
only reason that the jerk is still invited.
That’s not a small point: when you let your husband know that you not
only empathize, but you also see the good in inviting his aunt every year,
it’ll take some of his anxiety away.
When you get
closer to the big day, strategize with all family members old enough to be in
danger of engaging with Uncle Dick. Come
up with a plan for recognizing the start of potential conflict, and for either
deflecting – the quick subject change works well, here – or literally walking
away. (“Excuse me; I just remembered
something I have to do,” is my go-to.) By talking this stuff through before you
need it, you’re letting your family know that no one has to face the relative
from Hell alone. Think of it as team
building: you’re Team Rational.
Because we are all
products of our childhood experiences, it’s important that there are a few
fights you don’t avoid. I’m thinking specifically
of the “ugly things” your husband’s uncle likes to say, and how you respond to
them in front of your kids. If Uncle
Richard is talking as if he’s about to don either a white sheet or a swastika, you
need to speak up immediately. The magic
word is “unacceptable.” As in, “Uncle
Richard, that’s enough. That talk is
unacceptable.” You’re not inviting him
to discuss his bigotry further, you’re putting your foot down. If he persists,
let him know he’s free to leave. If he
takes you up on that…problem solved!
If all else fails,
of course, I’ll be your alibi if you’ll be mine.
Happy holidays,
Philip
