Dear
Philip:
I am a single woman in my 40s. I haven’t
lived in the area long and don’t know many people, so I have been using Match.com. What I have found is that most of the men who
respond to my profile on this site and sites like it are only looking for
hook-ups. It is really depressing how
many times I have corresponded with someone who seemed very nice, but within a
few messages started to get very sexual.
Even when I try to ignore the comments and steer the conversation back
to an appropriate place, they don’t get the hint.
How do I let someone I’m interested in know
that I find that kind of communication inappropriate?
Tired of the Game
Dear Tired,
Here’s the short version:
you don’t bother letting them know, because you immediately stop being
interested in them, and you move on.
Here’s the long version: oh, Tired, I feel for you. You believe – because you’re an optimist –
that if you just use a little reason, you can curb the piggishness of the men
you’ve been finding through online dating and show them that you’re a real
person, worthy of an adult relationship.
That you’re Miss Right. The
reality, though, is that the majority of men on Match.com – and eHarmony, and other
similar sites – are looking for Miss Right Now.
Anecdotal evidence suggests that they have plenty of success.
If anyone wants
confirmation of the old axiom that women use sex to get love and men use love
to get sex, then about twenty minutes on an internet-based dating service
should do the trick. The web has taken
dating from something that’s traditionally social – that is, our friends fix us
up, and we conduct ourselves with the understanding that our friends are paying
attention – to something that’s “social” only in the smugly-modern sense of the
word: we look for mates in a virtual room full of strangers, who often use the
cloak of anonymity to satisfy their basest impulses.
Your problem is
that you’re refusing to see honesty: people will often tell you exactly who
they are, if you’ll let them. The guys
that get sexual in their communication with women they’ve never met? They’re not looking for relationships. They’re telling you as much. So listen.
Stop trying to give random strangers the benefit of the doubt, and
instead, be grateful that they’ve accurately communicated their personalities
to you before you’ve gone to the trouble of meeting them for a drink.
In fact, Tired, I’ve
got a homework assignment for you. For at
least the next month, practice zero tolerance when you use an internet dating
site. The moment someone you haven’t met
goes past mildly flirtatious and becomes openly sexual, tell ’em, “Thanks,
anyway,” and move on. If you’re truly
tired of the game, then change the rules to your advantage. Online dating, after all, is a numbers
game…and by refusing to waste time in the vain attempt to get piggish men to
behave, you’ll have more time to sift through and find the guys – and they’re
out there – who know how to talk to a lady.
Platonically yours,
Philip
Dear
Philip:
Our daughter’s friend is a classmate whose
parents are known for their nasty, often litigious fights with neighbors. We don’t want to have anything to do with that
family, but our daughter thinks we’re being unfair to a child who hasn’t done
anything wrong. Who’s right?
Nervous
Dear Nervous:
With apologies to Renée Zellweger, you had me at
“litigious.” You’re both right: you should probably stay away from that family,
and that’s unfair to your daughter’s friend. The unfairness, however, isn’t of
your making. Explain to your daughter
that some people involve the courts in every dispute, which can be agonizing and
expensive. Tell her that you simply
can’t afford the risk of having anything happen to her friend in your house, or
of something happening to her at her friend’s house. Then tell her how sad the situation makes you
feel.
Hoping that’s
settled (out of court),
Philip
