Dear
Philip,
My niece (a high school junior) asked to
borrow a very nice bag from me for her winter break. She was excited about
going away and promised she would take care of it, so against my better
judgment I let her. The bag now has a large, dark stain on it. I have not heard
directly from my niece; my sister just keeps telling me how awful her daughter
feels.
I think my niece should replace the bag. She
asked to borrow it and I entrusted it to her care. My sister told me the bag
her daughter ruined is “ridiculously expensive,” and has offered to buy one
that she thinks looks just like it, but at half the cost. Should I let her buy
me the cheaper bag, or insist that she replace exactly what was damaged?
Never Lending Again
Dear Never,
You know why I got into the advice racket?
It’s because I’m tired of mean people – the Dr. Lauras of the world – making
sure they lace their guidance with plenty of scorn for the folks who call or
write in. I don’t care for name-calling and I don’t do mean.
That makes you
something of a challenge, Never: I find myself wanting to be semi-unkind to
your niece, her mom…and you. Because you’re all not only at fault, you’re also
all behaving like children.
Which kind of lets
your niece off the hook, because she’s at least chronologically a child. Still,
once she’d damaged your bag she should have come to you herself, both to
apologize and to work out a payment plan for repair or replacement. That’s
called responsibility. She borrowed an expensive bag (probably in part because
of the status its value would afford her), and now she needs to step up and
deal with the consequence of treating something of value so carelessly.
Whether or not you
should hold the kid to the full value of, let’s say, a Louis Vuitton bag…well,
that we’ll get to. At the very least, she should be offering to work it off.
Ah, but what of
her mother, the person who clearly must have known that her daughter borrowed a
“ridiculously expensive” bag…and now wants to knock off the debt with a knock
off? She’s a peach, and if I could ask you to take on just a little further
expense, Never, I’d suggest that you send her a parenting book. First, she
should have told her daughter that she could not borrow something so pricey,
unless she was prepared to replace it. Then – post-stain – she should have
marched the kid to your house for the aforementioned apology/offer to replace.
Third, she should have spared you the sour-grapes “ridiculously expensive”
comment and the bargain-basement replacement offer. That’s literally adding
insult to (financial) injury.
Come to think of
it, send her several parenting books.
Then get yourself
a book on common sense, and thumb through until you find the chapter about teenagers.
I feel for you, Never, but you had to know that a 16-year-old on school break
is maybe not the person to entrust with something you hold valuable. That
doesn’t mean your niece has no responsibility, of course, but it does mean that
you’re not exactly an innocent victim in this.
A cynic will tell
you that you just learned an expensive lesson. I’ll dispense with cynicism,
though, and suggest that you have an opportunity to do what your sister has
not, and parent your niece.
Turn down the knock-off,
and insist that your niece come see you. Explain to her that she was wrong to
borrow something she couldn’t easily replace, and she was wrong to let that
thing come to harm. Then explain that you were wrong for not turning her down
in the first place; that you missed an opportunity to help her learn when
borrowing is appropriate and when it isn’t. Then split the cost with her: tell
her you expect her – and not her folks – to pay you back a certain amount, over
time.
And next time,
Never, remember that it’s called “better judgment” for a reason.
Yours in stain
removal,
Philip
