Dear
Philip:
I was visiting my mother in Florida, and the
weather report said that a storm was probably going to hit the Northeast on the
day I was flying home. The man I have
been seeing for the past year texted to say, “You probably shouldn’t come
home.” When I called and told him that I
was still going to try because we had made a dinner date to celebrate his
birthday, he said not to worry because he had already made other plans. He didn’t say with whom, and he didn’t mention
a rain check for his birthday dinner.
Am I overreacting to be upset about
this? Up until the last month, he’s been
very attentive, but he’s been distant lately, and the way he handled this was
very cold. What do you think?
Feeling Stranded
Dear Stranded:
Here’s what I
think: Your ex-boyfriend is a jerk. And
I’m guessing that he is indeed your ex by the time you read this, whether
you’ve accepted it yet or not. Also? Good riddance.
We boys can be
tactless…but this seems beyond tactless, and heading firmly down the road toward
contemptuous. I’d be willing to overlook
the stupid way he phrased his text to you – in other words, I’d be tempted to
believe it was just badly stated concern – but for the fact that he took the
further labor step of making other plans without first consulting you about
your travel situation.
So no, Stranded,
you’re not overreacting. What you’re
doing is noticing the very large signals he’s sending you. The recent distance you’ve felt, coupled with
the ham-handed way he casually broke your celebration plans, is a flashing neon
sign which reads one of two things: it’s either “I have no problem taking you
for granted,” or “I want out, and I lack a spine.” Considering that, here’s my question to
you: does it really matter which of
those messages he’s sending?
The good news is
that you’re getting the chance to put him in your rearview now, and not after another year of dating. Or two more.
Or a decade of marriage. You’re
getting an opportunity to peer into your future together, and I would hope that
the preview would make you not want to stick around for what promises to be a
dreary movie.
It’s not a virtue,
Stranded, to single-handedly keep a relationship going long past the time it’s
become clear that the person you’re seeing has lost interest. It’s actually more of a curse, because that
kind of willful ignorance keeps you from getting back out there and finding
someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve; someone who warrants
the regard with which you’ll treat them.
I’m a great
believer in having certain standards, even – no, make that especially – when it comes to relationships. I’m not so much talking about rules as I am
about bare minimums: if you are willing to commit yourself to someone, to make
them a priority in your life, then they need to reciprocate to the point where
you feel sufficiently valued. That means
that if you sense you’ve fallen to the middle of their to-do list, you’re
gone. That means that your self-respect
is strong enough to tell you when it’s time to move on.
Think for a moment
about what you bring to a relationship.
Think about how much time, effort, and love you’re willing to give to
the person you’d like to have as a partner.
What do you think those things are worth? What do you think you merit in return? It’s a safe bet that you deserve a heck of a
lot more than Mr. Don’t-Come-Home, I-Made-Other-Plans. In fact here’s your new mantra: “I am worthy of someone who would swim across
the Rhine under enemy fire for me.”
Don’t settle for less…especially after a year of dating, you know?
Kick the jerk to
the curb, Stranded, and know this: the loss is entirely his.
Fly safe!
Philip
