Dear
Philip:
I recently had a falling out with a close
friend of almost a decade. While our relationship has been amazing in many ways,
like other men I have been friends with he is challenged when it comes to talking
out problems. Whenever he has let me down or hurt my feelings, I have found it
easier to just suck it up and move on rather than confront. However, this last
incident was so egregious and our fight was so public that I can’t do that, and
now we’re not speaking.
I know that if I just pretend nothing
happened, our relationship will go back to the way it was in a few weeks. This
time, though, I feel like I need him to make a gesture to work things out, or I
can’t respect myself. Am I being a bad friend here? Have I set the dynamic of the
relationship so that in order to make things work I have to do what I've always
done? Or was this ever a friendship at all?
Feeling Let Down
Dear Feeling,
It’s amazing that When Harry Met Sally just celebrated it’s 25th anniversary, and
we’re still misunderstanding the movie’s real lesson: the reason men and women
can’t be friends isn’t sex, it’s unrealistic expectation. You women
unrealistically expect us fellas to a.) admit when we’re wrong, and b.)
apologize.
I’m kidding. Sort
of.
Though gender
equality is a wonderful goal, it’s still something we’re working on. When it
comes to emotional intelligence, my askpvm.com email inbox would suggest men in
21st century America still have some catching up to do. I base that
on two general strains in the relationship questions I receive: from women, I
hear, “How do I get him to talk about it?” and from the (admittedly few) men I
hear from, I get, “Why can’t she just let it go?”
Sorry, Feeling, for
hijacking your question to make a mildly sexist point. (See? Men can
apologize!) Now allow me to make another: You know what else I’ve noticed women
tend to do more than men? Ask questions they already know the answers to. You
pose three queries at the end of your letter, and I’d wager you already have a
pretty good handle on two of them.
The first is
whether you’re being a bad friend, and the answer is clearly no. Friendship
allows moments where one person lets his or her silence say to another, “You
know what? You crossed the line. I don’t deserve this, and when you figure that
out, you can come make it right.” The way you cross the line into ‘bad friend’
is when you refuse to let the other person own up to a mistake. Friendship
demands respect, but it also requires allowances. (If the allowances have to
come too often, of course, you might think about redefining the relationship as
‘former friend.’)
Your second
question is also a bit of a no-brainer: of course it’s possible to train a
dynamic into a relationship. We do it every day with romantic partners, friends,
family members and co-workers. Mostly, those dynamics are harmless and are
based on the personality traits we bring to our relationships. I’d argue that
many of our ‘expected behaviors’ with others serve to make us feel worthwhile
and connected: my bride and I have based the parenting of our daughters on
knowing when the other is more equipped to deal with a certain situation, and
knowing when to step up and take charge. Are we equal? Not in all situations…but
we’re complimentary, and closer for it.
Unfortunately, the
dynamic you’ve set forces you to do all the heavy lifting in your relationship.
Which suggests the answer to your third question, about whether or not what you
have with this man is a friendship at all.
That answer
is…maybe. Though you don’t want to make the first move, do it one last time. Explain
that you expect to talk through arguments, not sweep them under the rug. His
response will let you know whether or not he’s Billy Crystal.
Platonically
yours,
Philip
