All His Exes Live in...Crazy Town

Dear Philip:

I am dating a man who was divorced a few years ago, and has since had one long-term relationship, with a woman who turned out to be crazy.  She drives by his house at night, texts him constantly, and has contacted friends of mine on Facebook and told them he is wrong for me.  I’m frankly a little scared of her.  He no longer has feelings for her, but is hesitant to confront her or cut her off completely because she has had problems with depression and he’s afraid of what she’ll do to herself.

Normally I would not put up with this, but my boyfriend has had a rough go of it. His marriage ended in similar circumstances; his crazy ex-wife estranged his children from him and dragged their divorce out for several years.  I love him for having empathy, but I feel like his ex-girlfriend is not his problem, and shouldn’t be mine.  Should I give him an ultimatum?

Sane and Sensible

Dear S&S,

Of course you should give your boyfriend an ultimatum.  Tell him that he needs to stop dating nut jobs…and then take it gracefully when, because he knows you’re right, he sends you packing.

Sorry.  Easy joke, but serious point: your boyfriend is either establishing a pattern of being with unstable women, or claiming to have established that pattern.  (I say “claiming,” because you’re taking his word for how his marriage ended; I suspect his ex-wife has a different version.)  Whichever the case, the longer you stay with this guy, the greater the chance you’ll end up being the story he tells to the next woman.  In that story, of course, you’ll be Glenn Close.  He’ll be the poor guy with the pet rabbit.

 Romantically speaking, we are predictable creatures.  We find ourselves drawn to the same types of people time and again. That’s why you have certain girlfriends who always seem to date men who treat them badly, and others who move from one ‘little boy who needs mothering’ to the next.   These are not conscious choices, S&S.  They’re rooted in our personalities, which are formed when we’re very young, and they are not easily or often changed.

(For more on this, see the brilliant, incisive book, Actually, It Is Your Parents’ Fault: Why Your Romantic Relationship Isn’t Working, and How to Fix It, co-authored by, uh…oh yeah: me!  Now available at Barrett Books, and other fine retailers everywhere.)

Your boyfriend chooses women who either start out as unstable or who he can – and this is a technical term – drive completely bonkers.  Though you can’t be sure about his ex-wife because you weren’t there, you can correctly label his last girlfriend’s inappropriate behavior as nutty.  The fact that he’s unwilling to do anything about that nutty behavior leaves you with two choices: you can dump him now, or you can live in the fantasy that your ultimatums will have any impact on a man who blames others for the fact his kids won’t see him and labels every former paramour a wackadoo.

Here’s the ironic part: you wrote in your letter that you love him for his empathy.  (What a good guy!  What a caring man!  What a crock of...never mind.)  S&S, your boyfriend has you bamboozled if you’re honestly defending him even as he labels the mother of his children “crazy” and does nothing to shield you from the actions of a woman who probably needs help.  If he’s seriously worried about what she’ll do to herself, he should speak to mental health professionals and then extricate himself entirely.  Sitting idly by, and subjecting you to his messes, smacks of ‘loving the drama,’ not ‘wanting to help.’

The question isn’t really whether you should give him an ultimatum (why bother?) or even if you should be with him at all (clearly not), S&S.  The real question is why you chose to date this guy in the first place.  I suspect he isn’t the first drama-magnet you’ve been with…but if you do a little work and try to deal with whatever it is in your personality that draws you to guys like him, maybe he’ll be the last.

Yours in sanity,

Philip 

The Open House Blues, and Credit Where Credit is (Not) Due

Dear Philip:

My husband and I put our house on the market a few months ago. This weekend our realtor held an open house, and our friend went to see the turnout.  I don’t like being there when people look at my house, because it’s too upsetting.

What our friend reported back to me was even more upsetting.  Apparently a few couples brought little children, who were allowed to run around unsupervised, and people seemed to use every bathroom in the house, including the one in our bedroom.  When I came home, there was one hand towel in the sink, and another one thrown on the floor next to our laundry hamper.  I also found little handprints all over an expensive glass sculpture in our living room.

We have nice things in our house, and are shocked that people felt free to treat it the way that they did.  Should I insist that either my husband or I be there every time someone comes to see it?

Trying to Move On

Dear Trying,

Two words: six percent.

Six percent, right?  Isn’t that what the folks involved in selling your house expect to be paid for their efforts?  It sounds like you have a lovely home, and six percent of a lovely home isn’t chicken scratch.  So start expecting something in return.

Yes, parents who let their kids treat your open house like a playground are jerks.  But you don’t have a contract with them: you have a contract with professionals who are supposed to be looking out for your interests, including the care and well-being of the major asset you’ve agreed to let them represent. 

I read your email to a friend who’s a realtor in another town.  Her response was…unprintable in a family newspaper.  She wasn’t aggravated with you, Trying; she was furious with the person showing your house, and in the process giving her profession a bad name. 

Here’s the gist of what she said:  Any realtor worth their commission will prep your home before an open house.  That prep ought to include basic stuff like putting paper napkins in a bathroom designated for use by anyone looking at the house.  Your realtor also ought to have a co-worker on hand, so that one person is always available to answer questions while another keeps circulating through the house, to (for instance) keep an eye on the kiddies and the artwork…and to steer folks to that designated, paper napkin-stocked bathroom.  Finally, that realtor should be going through the house at the end of the day, turning off lights and putting things right.  As in, you shouldn’t be the one discovering hand towels dropped on the floor.

Check the length of the agreement you’ve signed with your realtor.  If it’s a three-month deal, you might start looking around for a company that believes that a six percent commission should entitle you to one hundred percent professionalism. 

Here’s to a quick close,

Philip

Dear Philip:

My ex-boyfriend and I started a business, and he still holds a company credit card, even though he is no longer with the company.  The card is tied to my bank account, and though so far he has always paid it, he’s pressuring me to request a higher credit limit, and –

Dear Miss:

There are times when I don’t even need to get to the end of the email.  This is one of them.  Cancel his card.  Tell him your accountant – in today’s performance, the role of The Accountant will be played by Philip – freaked out that you’d even let an employee keep a company card once he’d left the business.  Tell him that his use of the card opens you up to all kinds of potential liability, and that such use might constitute tax fraud.

Okay, so I don’t actually know if any of that is true, but I do know this: Your credit rating is vitally important, and risking it so as not to hurt the feelings of an ex is foolish.  Admirable, but foolish.  If you need to spare his feelings, tell him any fib you want…but cancel that card.

Hoping that settles the (credit) score,

Philip

To Split, or Not to Split? The ABCs of Paying the Check

Dear Philip:

My friend Eve is financially well off, but never picks up the check when we go out.  She doesn’t offer, and when she’s asked, she insists on paying only her share, which she calculates ruthlessly. She has no problem letting me or anyone else pay for her, though.

Ironically, Eve brags about her family’s money and extensive art collection, and yet is a total cheapskate.  This weekend, she let me and a few of my friends buy rounds, but when it was her turn, she handed the bartender enough money for her own drink, and then left.  Out of embarrassment, I picked up the rest of what should have been her tab, and made excuses for her.

How do I get Eve to see how awful this makes her look?  

Feeling Taken Advantage Of

Dear Feeling,

Why on earth do you assume Eve cares how she looks?

It’s a rookie mistake, Feeling: because you believe in fairness and sharing and the other

basic tenants of conducting a friendship that sometimes involves pulling out your wallet, you take for granted that those beliefs are shared by the folks you call friends.

Eve is indeed a cheapskate, but she’s also – and this is a technical term – an entitled jerk.  If you’re correct, and she’s indeed well off (and happy to brag about it), then there’s no excuse for either stiffing you or embarrassing you in front of your friends.  Or dissing you, which is really what she’s doing.

Friendship is largely about mutual respect: You don’t speak ill of your friend, you don’t show up at 7:30 when your friend has been standing outside the movie theater since 7:00, and you don’t expect your friend to pay for you all the time.  It’s not rocket science.  It’s also not difficult to spot when someone takes your friendship – and you – for granted.

At the very least, stop including Eve when you go out with others, and if she notices and asks why, explain very calmly that you were embarrassed that she let your friends pay for her, but didn’t reciprocate.  Directness can work wonders.  If you can’t bring yourself to be direct, then you really need to examine whether you consider this woman a friend, or someone who’s mildly entertaining to hang around with…until the check comes.  If she’s the former, the relationship is worth a difficult conversation or two.  Otherwise, cut her loose: it’ll give you more time to nurture actual friendships.

Since you raise this specific issue, though, let’s spend a moment going over bill-splitting etiquette.  Because it’s an area I’m asked about a great deal, I humbly offer the PVM ABCs of haggling over the check.

A is for alcohol, as in, if you’ve had a few drinks and your companion hasn’t, offer to pay more than half of the check.  Especially when there’s wine involved.  I’m usually on the other end of that equation, and I can’t tell you how annoying it is when someone orders an expensive bottle and doesn’t take into account the price inequity between a 1982 Lafite-Rothschild and a 2012 Diet Coke.  I still usually insist on splitting the bill down the middle, but a fella likes to be shown common courtesy, you know?

B is for blood…as in relatives.  The generational picking-up-of-tabs is different in every family.  We grow up with our parents paying for everything, and some parents insist on doing that long into our own adulthoods.  It’s okay to offer in such situations, but it’s not okay to insist: if your mother and father take paying as a point of pride, let them.  And then be effusive in your gratitude.  I’ve managed about a 5% success rate in paying for my father’s meals when we’re out, and if you know my father, you’ll be impressed by that.

C is for calculators.  Don’t use them, and don’t hang out with people who do.  Nothing screams cheapskate like someone trying to figure out the exact difference in price between your pasta and their chicken.  Rounding is your friend…

…and clearly, Eve is not.  Dump her, and take an advice columnist out for a drink, instead.

First round’s on me!

       Philip 

Looking for a 'Plus One' Under the Mistletoe

Dear Philip:

I was invited to a Christmas party by a couple I don’t know very well.  I’m single, and the invitation didn’t say, “bring a date,” so I am worried that I’ll show up and not know anyone except the hosts.  It wouldn’t be right to just show up with someone, I know, but is it okay to call the hostess and ask if I can bring a date?

Hoping for a “+1”

Dear Hoping,

It’s not okay to call and ask for a ‘+1.’  Because if the answer you get is “no,” you’ve put yourself and the hostess into an awkward spot.  (And you’ve put yourself into a position where it will be very hard not to sound like a three-year-old.  Her: “I’m sorry, but no.”  You: “Oh, yeah?  Then I’m not coming!”)  The way to avoid that awkwardness and still have a shot at a “+1” is to do a little recon…that is, to see if you can find out why you might not be allowed to bring a date without actually having to ask the question.

Before you do anything, decide whether or not you’d be willing to go solo.  You’ll need to have that answer ready, because you are indeed going to call the hostess, and you’re going to have a script prepared ahead of time that will make the conversation comfortable for both of you, and will fit any response you get from her.  Ready?  Here goes:

“Hi…I got your lovely invitation, and I’m so flattered you’d include me.  I didn’t want to hold you up, but I had already made plans with a friend for that night, and I’m not sure yet if I can change them.  Would it be an inconvenience if I let you know in a few days?”

See the beauty of that?  You’re not putting this woman on the spot.  You’re complimenting her, thanking her…and giving her the opportunity to respond without feeling challenged.  The thing is, you don’t know if this is a cars-parked-as-far-as-the-eye-can-see house party, or a sit-down dinner for eight.  If it’s the former, chances are pretty good the hostess will say, “Bring your friend!”  (Problem solved; don’t forget to tip your local advice columnist.)

If it’s the latter, though, and this couple has invited you to something much more intimate, you’ll likely get the chance to find that out before you let your fear of being in a big group and knowing no one prompt you to decline.  If your question causes the hostess to say some version of, “I’m so sorry, but it’s just a little dinner party, and our table only seats so many,” then you can accept on the spot, or you can punt.  My advice, being a great fan of the conversations to be had at small dinner parties, is to say, “Now I’m really flattered…I’ll definitely wriggle out of my plans.  Count me in.”  If you’re still unsure, try this: “I totally understand, and I’ll let you know within the next day or so, if that’s okay.”

There’s really only one other response your hostess can have, and that’s an answer that comes in an information vacuum.  If your gambit about already having plans with a friend elicits an, “Oh, no problem…let me know what you decide,” then you’ll have to keep the charade up long enough to call back with your ultimate answer.  That seems complicated, I know, but it still beats putting someone who was kind enough to invite you to their party on the spot.

Actually, there’s one other response that you might be met with, which is that the lack of a ‘+1’ was intentional.  As you wrote in your letter, you’re single…and the holidays often bring out the matchmaker in people.  So be ready for that, too.  If you’re open to meeting new people, a small dinner party is really kind of ideal, so say yes.  And then say thank you: as a woman who wrote in a few weeks ago about the ugly side of online dating will tell you, friends who will fix you up are worth their weight in gold.  Or, you know, mistletoe.

Ho-ho-ho!

Philip 

The Torture of the Holidays: It's All Relative...

Dear Philip:

Though most people dread the shopping or the cooking or the mad dash to see everyone they know, the only thing about the holidays that fills me with terror is my husband’s uncle.  Uncle Richard comes to our house and makes everyone miserable.  He picks fights about politics, he tries to hurry up Christmas dinner so that he can get back on the road, he says very ugly things, and he speaks horribly to his wife, which makes all of us uncomfortable.

Though my husband has put up with him for a few decades, I’m worried that one of these years they’ll come to blows.  Christmas is already stressful enough.  How do we deal with horrible Uncle Richard without ruining the holiday?

Already Stressed

Dear Already,

If you really want to solve the problem of Uncle Richard, you’ll need four things: plastic sheeting, a shovel, a large bag of lye, and an alibi.

(On advice of council, I hereby state that the preceding sentence was a joke.  Mostly.)

All of us have dealt – or are still dealing – with a toxic relative or two at the holidays.  They can turn any family gathering into the Bataan Death March, making us count the hours until we can send them on their way, with most of our leftovers (and patience) in tow.  Know above all else that you are not alone.

Know also that you are not completely helpless.  Though there’s no single way to stave off the Monster Who Destroyed Christmas, there are ways to lessen the damage he does, and there are positives to be taken from the ordeal he presents.  The trick here is to do some preparation.  This involves anticipating the trouble spots – do they come at the table? after two (or five) beers? does he have a usual target? – and brainstorming ways of avoiding them.  Preparing also involves communicating with your family well before Uncle Richard shows up.

Chiefly, I’m thinking about your poor husband.  One of the reasons he wants to punch his uncle every year is that it’s HIS uncle: he’s embarrassed by his blood relation to the troublemaker.  In some way, he feels responsible.  So tell him he’s not.  Also let him know that you feel for his aunt, the woman who gets to put up with his uncle’s nonsense not just at the holiday table, but all year long.  After all, she’s the only reason that the jerk is still invited.  That’s not a small point: when you let your husband know that you not only empathize, but you also see the good in inviting his aunt every year, it’ll take some of his anxiety away.

When you get closer to the big day, strategize with all family members old enough to be in danger of engaging with Uncle Dick.  Come up with a plan for recognizing the start of potential conflict, and for either deflecting – the quick subject change works well, here – or literally walking away.  (“Excuse me; I just remembered something I have to do,” is my go-to.) By talking this stuff through before you need it, you’re letting your family know that no one has to face the relative from Hell alone.  Think of it as team building: you’re Team Rational.

Because we are all products of our childhood experiences, it’s important that there are a few fights you don’t avoid.  I’m thinking specifically of the “ugly things” your husband’s uncle likes to say, and how you respond to them in front of your kids.  If Uncle Richard is talking as if he’s about to don either a white sheet or a swastika, you need to speak up immediately.  The magic word is “unacceptable.”  As in, “Uncle Richard, that’s enough.  That talk is unacceptable.”  You’re not inviting him to discuss his bigotry further, you’re putting your foot down. If he persists, let him know he’s free to leave.  If he takes you up on that…problem solved!

If all else fails, of course, I’ll be your alibi if you’ll be mine.

Happy holidays,

       Philip