Dear
Philip:
I am dating a man who was divorced a few
years ago, and has since had one long-term relationship, with a woman who
turned out to be crazy. She drives by
his house at night, texts him constantly, and has contacted friends of mine on
Facebook and told them he is wrong for me.
I’m frankly a little scared of her.
He no longer has feelings for her, but is hesitant to confront her or
cut her off completely because she has had problems with depression and he’s
afraid of what she’ll do to herself.
Normally I would not put up with this, but
my boyfriend has had a rough go of it. His marriage ended in similar
circumstances; his crazy ex-wife estranged his children from him and dragged
their divorce out for several years. I
love him for having empathy, but I feel like his ex-girlfriend is not his
problem, and shouldn’t be mine. Should I
give him an ultimatum?
Sane and Sensible
Dear S&S,
Of course you should
give your boyfriend an ultimatum. Tell him
that he needs to stop dating nut jobs…and then take it gracefully when, because
he knows you’re right, he sends you packing.
Sorry. Easy joke, but serious point: your boyfriend
is either establishing a pattern of being with unstable women, or claiming to
have established that pattern. (I say
“claiming,” because you’re taking his word for how his marriage ended; I
suspect his ex-wife has a different version.)
Whichever the case, the longer you stay with this guy, the greater the
chance you’ll end up being the story he tells to the next woman. In that story, of course, you’ll be Glenn
Close. He’ll be the poor guy with the
pet rabbit.
Romantically speaking, we are predictable
creatures. We find ourselves drawn to
the same types of people time and again. That’s why you have certain
girlfriends who always seem to date men who treat them badly, and others who
move from one ‘little boy who needs mothering’ to the next. These are not conscious choices, S&S. They’re rooted in our personalities, which
are formed when we’re very young, and they are not easily or often changed.
(For more on this,
see the brilliant, incisive book, Actually,
It Is Your Parents’ Fault: Why Your
Romantic Relationship Isn’t Working, and How to Fix It, co-authored by,
uh…oh yeah: me! Now available at Barrett
Books, and other fine retailers everywhere.)
Your boyfriend
chooses women who either start out as unstable or who he can – and this is a
technical term – drive completely bonkers.
Though you can’t be sure about his ex-wife because you weren’t there,
you can correctly label his last girlfriend’s inappropriate behavior as nutty. The fact that he’s unwilling to do anything
about that nutty behavior leaves you with two choices: you can dump him now, or
you can live in the fantasy that your ultimatums will have any impact on a man
who blames others for the fact his kids won’t see him and labels every former
paramour a wackadoo.
Here’s the ironic
part: you wrote in your letter that you love him for his empathy. (What a good guy! What a caring man! What a crock of...never mind.) S&S, your boyfriend has you bamboozled if
you’re honestly defending him even as he labels the mother of his children
“crazy” and does nothing to shield you from the actions of a woman who probably
needs help. If he’s seriously worried
about what she’ll do to herself, he should speak to mental health professionals
and then extricate himself entirely.
Sitting idly by, and subjecting you to his messes, smacks of ‘loving the
drama,’ not ‘wanting to help.’
The question isn’t
really whether you should give him an ultimatum (why bother?) or even if you
should be with him at all (clearly not), S&S. The real question is why you chose to date
this guy in the first place. I suspect
he isn’t the first drama-magnet you’ve been with…but if you do a little work
and try to deal with whatever it is in your personality that draws you to guys
like him, maybe he’ll be the last.
Yours in sanity,
Philip
