You Down with OPK? (Not Me - No Way!)

Dear Philip:

When is it okay to discipline someone else’s child?  My husband gets aggravated when our son’s friends misbehave, and is in the habit of telling them to “knock it off.”  He has even done so when those children’s parents are present.  I agree with him that some of our son’s friends are overindulged and that their parents should be keeping them in line, but I think he is overstepping his bounds.

 Not Our Problem

Dear Not,

Here’s what you left out of your letter: your husband’s contact information.  Clearly, he’s a guy I’d like to hang with...especially at a child’s birthday party.  I’m with him on this one, to a point.

For folks trying to raise their sons and daughters to be people who respect others and live within reasonable boundaries, nothing is as aggravating as OPK (Other People’s Kids).  They’re why your efforts seem undone at the end of certain school days, and why your child comes home from parties with a new list of demands and a bad case of what our folks called “smart mouth.”  In other words, OPK really are your problem.

Before we get to your husband, though, let’s talk about the essential service that the brattiest of your son’s friends provide.  To be perfectly Oprah about it, the behavior of OPK makes for great teachable moments: the trick is to focus your teaching on labeling the behavior and not the child, no matter how appropriate the words “spoiled brat” might seem.

Here’s an example: You’re in the cereal aisle when you and your son witness the classic supermarket power struggle not 25 feet in front of you.  There’s mother and daughter, and daughter is grabbing the sugary-est of sugar cereals, yelling shrilly over her mother’s protestations until they’re literally having a tug of war over a box with a Cap’n on it.  Now, you can’t very well step in, because it isn’t your business, and because there’s no potential for serious harm.  (Except maybe to your eardrums.)  What you can do is turn your cart around, head to another aisle, and have a chat with your son.  “That was very upsetting,” you might start.  Then go with a question: “Do you think that’s how to get your way?  By whining and carrying on?”  Notice that you’ve just posed a question that has a built in answer…and all kinds of implicit condemnation.

But no name-calling.  By labeling the behavior as whiny, you’ve made it clear to your own child that acting out like that is unacceptable to you, and you’ve done it in a way that’s firm, but almost collaborative.  You didn’t lecture your son – who wasn’t misbehaving! – with some form of “You’d better never do that,” but instead gave him an opportunity to see how upset brattiness makes you.  In short, you made him feel warned and not blamed.

When your son is in a group, though, and the play is getting either rough or inconsiderate, you and your husband have every right to step in…though again, to correct the behavior, and not label a child.  “Knock it off” shows disapproval of what’s going on; it’s not a blanket condemnation of the kids.  I wrote that I’m with your husband “to a point,” because I think “knock it off” isn’t enough, and correction should come with an explanation.  I’m fond of “Hey, guys?  This is a store, not a playground.  Settle.”  I’ve also been known to throw out a judicious, “That’s not what that’s meant for.  Treat our stuff respectfully.”  For me, the rule of thumb is always this: if my child is either involved or within earshot, I step in to stuff that makes me uncomfortable.  I’m not trying to teach anyone else’s children, I’m trying to teach my own where the boundaries are.

Finally, let me add that I think you used the word “discipline” incorrectly: when your husband cries “knock it off!” in the middle of a group of rowdy kids, he’s attempting to stop behavior, but he’s not punishing OPK.

Unfortunately for all of us, neither are their parents.

Yours in peace and quiet,

Philip

The Split That Keeps on Giving

Dear Philip:

My friend has been going through a messy divorce, and she turns to me for advice all the time.  She calls constantly and even shows up at my house uninvited, always to complain about her split.  I feel terrible for her and want to help, but I’m starting to notice that even after I’m sure I HAVE helped, or at least gotten her to see things in a way that will make her feel better, she’s back to her same complaints a few days later.  I’ve also noticed that when I have to cut her off because I have other things to do, she gets angry and accuses me of not realizing how hard her life is.

It has gotten to the point where I don’t know if I’m helping, or if I can take much more of the complaining.  Am I a bad friend?    

 Tired and Talked Out

Dear Tired,

Divorce is not unlike smoking: nobody warns us about the dangers of secondhand misery, you know?  It sounds like your friend is sucking you dry.  You’ve tried listening, but it’s never enough.  You’ve expressed your logical opinions, and found that they never sink in.  Talking with her leaves you feeling tired, stressed, and – let’s be honest – a little angry.

Before figuring out how to proceed, let’s tackle the two questions you ask in your letter.  The first is whether or not you’re helping your friend, and the answer is yes…but maybe not in the way you’d hoped.  You’ve been acting under the false notion that she wants answers; that your advice will provide some kind of a roadmap out of the emotional thicket she finds herself in.  You keep hoping that if you just apply enough logic, she’ll get through the tough stuff.  What’s become clear, though, is that she’s not looking for guidance or logic.  Like so many people who’ve struggled through a divorce, she’s learned to self-sooth by venting.  Ironically, the angrier she gets, the better she (temporarily) feels.  Your role in this ongoing interaction isn’t really to talk – or to interact, frankly – except for the moments in which you reaffirm her role as victim.

Don’t beat yourself up about being used this way; I once spent five years listening to a friend who was convinced her divorce made her The Most Wronged Person in the History of the World™, even though she ended up with her kids, her health, and a big pile of dough.  What I came to realize was that the blow to her ego was so enormous – how could anyone leave ME? –that the way she survived it was to grow her sense of victimhood to the size of Godzilla…and that if I kept standing in her path, I’d wind up crushed.  Sounds like you’ve got that scaly green foot poised above your head, right about now. 

Your second question is, “Am I a good friend?” and I’d say you are, because you mean to be helpful.  But now that you realize what’s overtaking her – enough bitterness and self-regard to destroy a Japanese metropolis – the way to continue to be her friend is to disengage.  Cut way back on the number of her calls that you answer.  Pick up your car keys the next time she just shows up at your door, and pretend you were just heading out.  Listen for only so long, and then politely change the subject.  She may throw a few fits your way, but eventually she’ll get the point.  Which is that surrounding herself with herself is the best way to end up alone.

You’re not trying to end the friendship; you’re trying to return it to a state of…actual friendship.  The two-way kind.  The kind where you can eventually be direct enough to say, “I love you, and I can see that this is very hard on you, but you need to stop letting it take over your life…and our friendship.”

I wish I’d been brave enough to do that with my former friend.  I might have really helped her.  Hell, I might have saved Tokyo.

Get some rest!

Philip

The Fine Art of Training Your Mom

Dear Philip:

I would love to tell you that this letter is about my mother-in-law, but it’s my own mother that is driving my husband and me crazy.  She comes to our house and says inappropriate things to our kids, who are only 8 and 10.  Then she complains to the kids that they have not called her enough and accuses them of liking their other grandmother better.  My father is no help, because he just sits there and lets her go on.  My husband finds excuses to be in another room, and I feel like I have to deal with her all alone.  Help!

Stuck in the Middle

Dear Stuck,

I’ll give you this: you’ve semi-correctly named yourself.  You are indeed stuck…but not in the middle!  Look, this is happening in your house, to your kids.  You’re the boss, and your kids obviously need you to look out for them, so step up.  Here’s how you do it:  next time your mom starts in on any topic that you feel is inappropriate for your kids, you interrupt her.  Kindly.  “Excuse me, mom?  I need to speak with you for a second.”  Then get up, and lead her into another room.  Don’t let her try to keep you where the kids are; just walk.  (Notice this is not unlike how you handle children?  That’s the point.)

Once you’ve gotten her out of the kids’ earshot, tell her that what she is saying to the kids is inappropriate, and that if she can’t refrain from saying things like it, you’ll have to have her visit another time.  You’ve just practiced a kinder way of saying, “Toe the line, or leave.”  When she tries to argue, cut her off:  your house, your kids, your rules.  Chances are pretty good she’ll be indignant, and she may even leave in a huff.  That’s fine.  Chances are also good that she’ll do it again, next time you allow her into your house, just to show you that she’s boss.  So repeat the process, and kindly kick her out again.  That’s how puppy training works; firm correction with repetition…until you’re eventually left with a lap dog.

It’s confusing for kids to be pulled into adult stuff, or to be shamed by a relative for not “loving me enough.”  It’s your job to protect them from that confusion and shame, and that job supersedes your mom’s feelings.  And besides, her insecurities are self-fulfilling: because she berates your kids for loving your husband’s mom more…they probably will feel more comfortable around your mother-in-law, if they don’t already.  So think of this as doing your mom a favor, because your stepping in and removing her when she’s becoming upsetting to your kids will make them dread her visits less.

Oh, and go easy on your husband: he’d be more than happy to tell your mom off – he probably has pretty elaborate fantasies along those lines – but he’s worried about saying the wrong thing and hurting your feelings.  (Not that I’m writing from experience.  At all.)

Hang tough,

Philip 

Dear Philip,

My dad is a Red Sox fan and my boyfriend is a Yankees fan.  What should I do?

Torn

Dear Torn,

Gosh: having to dump an otherwise perfectly good boyfriend is hard…but you have to pay attention to signs of mental instability. In fairness, we are all young and foolish once, and in those years we often do things we’re not proud of.  Like wear skinny jeans.  Or root for the Yankees.  Sure, they’re having a much better year, and Jeter’s one of the best players ever to pick up a glove, but…Fenway is a temple.  Ellsbury is a god.  (Not the God, as Bill Murray would say, but a god.)  Sox fans are known to be of superior intelligence, unfailingly virtuous, and incredibly attractive.  Clearly, only people with some diminished capacity would root against the Red Sox.

So you know what?  Don’t dump your boyfriend.  Find it in your heart to help him.

In Papi we trust,

Philip

Hit "Reply" in Haste, Repent at Leisure

Welcome, kind reader.  After years of doling out amateur advice, I've finally turned pro: here's my first column for the Darien Times.  Thanks for visiting my blog, and if you're so inclined, check back every few weeks for the next exciting installment...

Dear Philip:

I got an email this morning from my Aunt Jackie.  All that was in the email was a link to a story about a “volunteer award” given to another woman named Jackie, a woman I coincidentally know.  I hit the reply button, and told my aunt how funny it was she would send me this link, as I knew the other Jackie from years back, and added that it was ironic she won an award for helping strangers, considering what a terrible job she had done with her own kids.

You can probably guess where this is going.  It turns out that I saw the word “Jackie” in the address line and assumed it was from my aunt, when it in fact was from the award recipient – the person I subsequently called a bad mother –and so my reply went right to the inbox of the woman I made fun of.  I’m not really friends with this woman, but I’m sick to my stomach that I sent such a hurtful email.  Is there anything I can do?

Thank you,

Ashamed

Dear Ashamed:

Is there anything you can do?  Of course:  Go over to the Jackie-whom-you-hurt’s house immediately, invite yourself in under some pretense, ask if you can use her computer, and erase…wait, that was the plot of a Modern Family episode. I love that show.  Do you?  I suggest you watch it, in the hopes that it will take your mind off what an awful thing you did to this woman.  Because my real answer is yes, there’s something you can do, but you’re not going to like it.

If you haven’t already, write another email to the woman you insulted.  Don’t try to pass off what you wrote as a joke – most of us see through the “I was kidding!” defense by the time we’re 13 – and instead apologize without reservation.  Tell her that you’re guilty not only of being hurtful, but of the worst form of gossip, because you’d obviously intended to trash her to someone else.  Explain that you know this was wrong, and you’re ashamed.  You didn’t tell me why you think she’s a bad mother…and I strongly suggest you don’t tell her that, either.  That will come off as if you’re trying to defend yourself, and we’re way past self-defense, here.  Focus instead on the fact that what you did was unkind and careless, and that the purpose of this second email is to say that you’re deeply sorry.

Now, having apologized thoroughly, do one more thing:  learn.  Take that shame you feel and recognize it as the cost of hurting someone else…even someone you don’t care for.  Learn also that the “reply” button is often not your friend.  And that the pesky “forward” button can get you in deep doo-doo, too.  I speak from experience.

Type carefully,

Philip 

Dear Philip,

I did a favor for a colleague and he thanked me with what I have found out is a VERY expensive bottle of wine.  My problem is that I don’t like wine.  He has already asked me once if I enjoyed it, and I told him I was saving it for a special occasion.  That seemed to annoy him, and he told me to let him know after I’d drunk it how I liked it.  Now I feel like it’s hanging over my head!  Can I just lie and tell him it was great?  Also, can I re-gift the wine?

From,

Beer Lover

Dear Beer Lover,

First, of course you can lie:  this would be considered a little white lie.  (Or, you know, a red one.)  His wine was life-changing and euphoric; it cured your back problems and made the angels weep.  I mean, clearly your colleague needs to hear this kind of stuff, because why else would he have been so obnoxious as to press you on how you liked his present?  So tell him how great it was…and then go ahead and re-gift it.  Just make sure to re-gift it to someone that doesn’t cross paths with your colleague: for instance, how about your local advice columnist?

Cheers!

Philip

Getting each other through a parent's illness

(This was a viewer question that I answered as part of the Good Morning America"Advice Guru" search.)

Dear GMA,

My father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer back in June and it has caused a lot of stress and heartache for my family as well as my marriage. My husband has been a tremendous support for me, but he has admitted several times that this situation has put a lot of stress on him and our relationship because he constantly is worried about me and my well-being as well as my parents. The last thing I want is for him to be stressed about this as well. How do I better support him and strengthen our marriage during this trying time? He supports me so much and I want to do the same, to the best of my ability.

Karin, Alexandria, VA

Dear Karin,

Let’s say this for cancer: it’s certainly a full-service illness.  Not only is it stealing your father’s good health, it’s robbing your entire family of sleep, of routine…and quite possibly of joy and optimism.  From your letter, I’m going to guess it’s doing a number on your intimacy, too.  And what does cancer give you in exchange for all the stuff it’s taken?  Fear.  Stress.  Uncertainty.

I’m so sorry for all that your family is going through…and I understand your husband’s stress.  A few years back, my father-in-law passed away after months on a medical rollercoaster of small improvements followed by devastating setbacks.  I stood by Christina as best as I was able…though at first I must admit I felt completely helpless and incapable.  “What can I do?” is such an inadequate question!  Because her answer was usually “Nothing,” I started to feel a little estranged: I was supposed to be the one to help her and it felt like she wasn’t letting me.  She saw my stress, but obviously had no energy to help me, either.  So we both felt anxious...and we both felt guilty.

Until we stopped asking each other “What can I do?,” and replaced the question with a much more important one: “How do you feel?”  Once Christina felt free to tell me how angry and scared she was, I was able to stop worrying that I was somehow the cause of those feelings.  I began to see things I could do to help…little things that would never occur to her to ask for.  I took the kids out when she needed peace, and I made some of the phone calls I knew would stress her out.  Little stuff like that; little stuff that made her feel loved and cared for.  There were times she did exactly the same things for me.  We began to seek each other out for solace, rather than seeing each other as just another source of stress.

You and your husband have spoken about this stuff, a little.  When you’re up to it, have another conversation: tell him what you told me in your letter.  Tell him how much you feel supported by him, and tell him you realize how hard your dad’s illness is on him, too.  Then let him know that the act of listening to you – to your fears, to your sadness – is the absolute best help he can give…and make sure he knows you’re ready to give that help right back.  That you’re thinking so much about him at a time of such anxiety for you is all the proof you need that you’ll get through this, Karin.

Best,

Philip

(Reprinted with the kind permission of Good Morning America.)