Dear
Philip:
I work in the same office as a constant,
chronic complainer. When I say “same
office,” I mean we literally share a small office in a large workspace, so I
have to hear his grievances all day long, even when he’s on the phone
complaining to others. We both work for
the same person, which puts me in the position of having to listen to endless
complaints about my boss. While most of
the whining my co-worker does is just annoying, the things he says about our
company and the boss make me uncomfortable.
I have a cousin who is the same way, but I
only have to put up with his complaining a few times a year. I can’t get away from my coworker, so how do
I gently make him see that he’s driving me crazy? Why are some people just never satisfied with
anything?
Tired of the Griping
Dear Tired,
The cousin’s a
pain-in-the-butt. The co-worker? He’s something a little more tricky…and he’s
also potentially dangerous, which we’ll get to in a minute.
First, though,
understand that your constant whiner doesn’t want satisfaction. That is, he isn’t looking for the things he’s
complaining about to actually get solved: he needs to continually reassert his
victimhood. It’s his identity. He’s the guy who’s wronged at every turn,
against whom every deck is stacked, and upon whose shoulders lay the weight of
every injustice. It’s a wonder he gets
down off his metaphoric cross long enough to actually do any work in your
shared office.
I tell you all
that so you don’t fall into the trap of trying to talk some sense into
him. I’ve known people (cough – me –
cough) who’ve foolishly spent years giving what they figured was sound advice
on how the world is really not so bad to people who…really need the world to be
so bad. The trouble for all of us who’ve
tried to talk complainers down from the ledge is that, for short periods of
time, we get a false sense that we’re getting through…once in a while our whiny
friends will concede that something or other might be okay. They do that so we’ll keep listening; it’s
the bone they throw us so that they can keep using us as their audience.
What they really
want from us, of course, is a mirror: constant complainers want corroboration of
their victim status. They want
validation. Which is why when you tell
complainers – like the guy in your office – that things aren’t so bad, they get
angry. You’re messing with their idea of
who they are.
There are a few
schools of thought on how to deal with a chronic complainer. The first is to shine him on: that is, nod,
grunt your agreement, and maybe throw out short phrases like, “I’d be upset,
too,” without letting yourself get drawn into a larger discussion of whatever’s
upsetting him at that particular moment.
Another is to shut him down quickly: “I don’t agree.” A third method I’ve tried – with mixed
success – is a sort of clinical validation without agreement; that is, “I can
see how that would upset you.” The
problem with that one is that it often just prolongs the conversation, and you
might end up feeling like a bad TV shrink…or a former president: “I feel your
pain.”
None of these ways
make much sense for you, though, Tired, because you’re in a pickle: you’re
trapped with a coworker who’s complaining about your boss. This is why I wrote up front that he’s
potentially dangerous: if you so much as mumble agreement to shut him up,
there’s every chance that he’ll use you as a backstop when he voices complaints
to others, as in, “The boss is an idiot on this, and my office mate agrees with
me!”
You wondered in
your letter why some people, like the guy across the desk from you, are never
satisfied. It’s because they don’t want
to be. And I think that’s the key to
your answer, Tired: respect his wishes.
That is, don’t give him any satisfaction when he complains. Don’t agree, don’t disagree, don’t respond
directly to his complaints. Eventually,
he’ll look for a sympathetic ear somewhere down the hallway.
Appreciatively
yours,
Philip
